Commitment

I just signed the (expensive – $2000 / month for 3 calls) coaching agreement.  I remind myself that part of the value is that it hurts (how is paying to hurt yourself a good idea?  What’s wrong with you, masochist?) and that will help me get committed.  And that several people I know have highly recommended him.  And that I desperately need to make myself do something.

This is about accountability, and breaking myself out of my current set of beliefs.  Getting to a new place, a new level.

I have to supply the commitment, the energy, and the action for anything to happen.  

Couldn’t I have found a cheaper way to do this?  It’ just an experiment, for 6 months, that I am committed to doing…. What’s $12k between friends (A car that runs a bit better maybe?)

You can’t make me

A thought I had, when contemplating signing this agreement, was “You can’t make me” or “Show me something” or “Prove your worth” – all in relation to my coach.

I have some serious resistance to doing all the things I think I will have to do, and almost want to push that thought out to my coach, so that he is representing the person forcing me to do things I don’t want to do.

Already Feels like a Lot

I just had my first call (between writing the rest of this post and this part).  I committed to a lot of action, and already I feel the massive internal resistance.

“It’s a lot” “I’m tired” “How do I get myself organized?” “I want to take a nap” “Maybe this was a massive mistake” “Things are more or less fine, my goals are impossible, why am I doing this to myself?”

This is the kind of crap that has kept me living at 50% for a pretty long time.

I don’t want to be 50% living. I want to be 100%, and maybe 101% (i.e. living just a bit beyond what I think I can do).

I want this pain, I want this struggle.  I want the results, and I want to enjoy getting those results.

My commitments, in 4 areas, over the next week… (again, why am I doing this to myself, and hey stop being that way, let’s try)

E-Commerce (mostly by end of next week, some sooner)

1. 20 e-commerce ideas (by Friday)
2. Cost analysis of cost to validate idea (by Monday)
3. Landing page software (by Tuesday)
4. Agree on budget for marketing with wife (by Monday)

Consulting (by end of next week)

1. Find 10 companies with software teams (by Friday)
2. Reach out to them (by Friday)
3. Get at least 1 meeting to see if they think it would be worth what I think it would be worth 
4. Schedule meeting with my own company to pitch the idea (and see if I can work here on similar stuff)

Kid Bedtime (a source of time suck):

1. Document our bedtime process today and Sunday
2. Propose different bedtime process by Tuesday (with wife)
3. Implement starting next Wednesday

Personal Organization

1. Write down my complaints (today)
2. 3 ideas to improve (today)
3. Pick one to do (today)
4. Do it (1 week)

This is preposterous, I have a full time job, and why again am I doing this to myself?

How do I get myself organized?

This is a legitimate question, though also some FUD, but it’s something I actually have to do if I’m going to hit this ambitious list of things.

I notice that my todoist is super cluttered.  I feel like I’m living in a sea of noise all the time, because there are things I “should” do that are cluttering up my lists, which keeps me from taking that list seriously as those items sit on the list for days or weeks.

I need to stop pretending I am going to do things I don’t actually want to do.  

I need to live from a place of genuine desire.  I need to connect crap I don’t want to do with something that matters to me.

Yes, I will pay my taxes, because I value not being in jail.  Yes, I will replace this tail light on the car because I value not getting pulled over, and I want to be safe.

I want to live from a starting point of “yes” instead of dragging myself along.

And that needs to be reflected in my calendar, and my bank account.

And my todo list.

Out of Balance

I had a massive flurry of activity today getting my life in order.  Unfortunately, that did not quite jive with getting that much work done at work, which is also quite important.

How do I keep everything up and running (i.e. not dropping tasks and forgetting they exist), make progress on my bigger goals, and also keep killing it at work?

How can I show up 100% to all of those activities?