Whatever the muffins I want

I feel overwhelmed.  I keep getting confused about what this blog is supposed to be about, and husband keeps reminding me that it’s supposed to be about our experience of this crazy year.  So really, I can write whatever the muffins I want, because it’s all relevant.  

What is my role?  Before we started this endeavor, I was pretty clear on what I was supposed to be doing with my days.  I knew that I wasn’t always scoring a perfect 10 on getting all of the things done, but at least I pretty much knew what the things were.  I was the lucky one.  When husband would voice his uncertainty about what he was supposed to be doing with his life, I didn’t really get it.  I had a whole list of things I was doing with my life, that I had to do with my life-caring for the kids, cooking, cleaning, homeschooling 9 year old, picking up carpool from 6 year old’s school, grocery shopping, toddler-policing, nursing, driving to appointments, etc.  More than enough to keep me busy, and to give me a feeling of purpose.

But I’m on board with this new vision.  I signed on to be a partner in this money making operation (that sounds wrong, and reminds me of our 6 year old carefully freehand drawing copies of one dollar bills, convinced that he was making a fortune).

So what exactly is my role…in all this?  Cheerfully watching the kids while husband takes half of Saturday to set up the e commerce website?  I was not that cheerful.  Trying to find something to sell on the internet?  Starting 20 blogs and hoping one of them strikes gold?  Watching youtube videos about SEO to feel like I’m doing something or contributing something?  The guy in the third video said to just get out there and start doing-don’t get bogged down in trying to learn everything first.  Thanks, youtube guy.  

So I’m trying to find my place, and I’m feeling uncertain and inexperienced.  I don’t like that feeling.  I like to do things that I know how to do.  I like to know the procedure, and be comfortable with it.

And meanwhile, it’s November.  I am so busy.  And I am so tired.  The days keep rushing by and I keep feeling like I can never get caught up, can never get my house to a state that gives me peace and energy instead of anxiety and a feeling of a constantly draining battery every time I look at a pile of onesies waiting to be stain-removed, a dirty kitchen sink, or the signs of casual destruction that dot the landscape of our home-a pencil sketch on my bedroom curtain, sock bins overturned yet again, and the like.

So that’s my experience right now.  Confused and overwhelmed.  Tired and kind of grumpy.  

I’m just going to stop there.  It’s my blog, I can do whatever I want.

Also, for some reason husband was talking to the kids earlier about how it is possible to drink your own pee, but only once, and then he decided to do some research to find out if that’s true, and he came across some very committed explorers of knowledge on quora or reddit or something.  Very committed.  Look that up if you are feeling like your day is incomplete.