When you’re not having fun

After weeks and weeks of just “powering through” and/or “making the best of things”, my brain finally broke on Sunday.

I just got to the point where I just didn’t want to “look on the bright side” or “choose better thoughts”. I just wanted it to not be my problem and I wanted to be done for a minute.

Wifey’s back went out and I somehow still managed to get a lot done on Saturday despite taking care of all kids plus her. I met all my commitments (more or less).

Am I having fun?

That’s a question my coach sent me today, and I was like “No, not at all I hate all of this right now”.

So that’s the goal for the week – how do I relate to commitments in a way that is fun?

If you can’t find a way to have fun, you’re not going to want to do something and so you’re not going to get to the level of mastery that you get to when you are having fun.

How am I relating to success and failure?

What do my failures say about me?

What is a failure or a success anyway? Isn’t “when we decide to stop” completely arbitrary? It’s our decision. Why do I want it to mean something if I decide to change my mind?

There’s a kind of relationship I have to myself right now – I am lazy, therefore I must not let myself get out of something. I can’t let myself off the hook for anything I committed to do.

But that’s not fun. That’s self-enslavement. Relating to yourself as a lazy worthless person who only does what they ought to do when they’re forced, cajoled, and chided.

And then – how do I show up for my family, friends, and kids if I’m that way to myself?

Fun unlocks a lot of possibilities. Play is perhaps the opposite of tyranny.

So how do I stop tyrannizing myself and enjoy life?

What is it I really want? What sounds fun in all these things I say I want?






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