As I look back over the last year, I realize that a lot of it was about fighting burnout.
“Can I keep doing this, over and over again?” “Where is this all headed?”
Granted, I didn’t get huge outcomes from this work.
But I did start rediscovering my agency.
And I started seeing places where something inside of me was holding me back— protecting me from disappointment and embarassment.
And that is still there to some degree, but now I’m seeing it clearly.
I’m also seeing clearly that other unseen forces were pushing me forward. Forward into places I didn’t really want to go or care about arriving at.
Do I need to be a millionaire? No.
Do I still want a bit more time in my days and weeks? Yes.
But I also recognize that there are even more complex desires at play here. If I didn’t have to work all day, what would I do? Would I be thrust into some of the chaos of home life, with some of the problems our kids are currently struggling with that doesn’t fall primarily on my shoulders?
If I accomplished this goal, would my job no longer be what gives me the days mostly to myself in my office (something I both love and hate)?
None of this really matters in some sense.. If you know you want to do something, you just go ahead and do it.
And if you want to get unstuck, just go ahead and start doing something.
But if you’re constantly sabotaging your own efforts, and you’re lacking the stick-to-it-iveness you need to succeed…
The inner work becomes unavoidable.
And that’s probably a good thing, because you’re what’s making you so miserable in the first place. Not your circumstances.
At the end of this year, I realize that all I really need is hope.
Hope that every day, the small actions I do, like fixing a hole in the wall, or cleaning something, actually make a difference.
And that it’s worth doing.
And it is. It makes me someone who can keep a house maintained and provide a good place for my family. It keeps my exterior order in place, which helps my interior order.
When I have hope, I can just do what’s at hand.
I can just do the most obvious work, and trust that God’s got it in hand.
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