I did not blog yesterday.
I also have not formally committed to blogging every day. It’s more like an informal commitment, or something that I will do, like dishes, every day, but if I’m really tired and the day was a lot and I want to go to bed, I will let it go until tomorrow.
I mentioned this previously, but I’ll describe it again.
I met with a friend and was going over my business plans to get his feedback. Maybe his involvement. It was a good conversation.
Afterwards, after he had basically said it all sounded doable, reasonable, possible…. I walked away slightly less interested.
Does it all really make sense?
Did I figure it out!?
I’ve been trying to understand why “figuring it out” seems to be, for me, often the end of the quest. The knowledge has been attained. Can I leave the rest of it as an exercise for the reader?
Yet we know that if you want to be healthy, you cannot leave the actual doing as an exercise for the reader.
If you want to make pancakes, you must actually make pancakes. (This is not a euphemism, I’m just hungry). It’s not enough to know how to make the pancakes.
And to be honest, I’m very interested in making pancakes, despite the fact that I know how.
So what’s the problem?
Is it the goal, or the process that I’m into?
To be honest, I’m very into the goal. I love the idea of getting to that next level of freedom and possibility.
The process though? The work feels like… work.
I associate a lot of this with burning the midnight oil, pushing myself hard, sacrificing… and getting screwed on the other side.
The numbers of times I have gotten screwed by a combination of my expectations and somebody else’s performance (such as getting a raise or promotion, or having your client keep their word when you extend them a month of credit) has made me extremely hesitant to 100% commit to something.
And that has definitely showed up in a lot of places in my life. Before this coaching, I haven’t made a firm commitment to hardly anything. My attitude has been “If I don’t have a guarantee of mutual performance, I’m not taking a big chance”. I’ve been hedging my bets on just about everything.
I still show up, and I try to take things seriously, but I rarely say to myself or anybody else that they can count on me to show up again and again for some period of time or for some result.
I’m not sure I can even count on other people agreeing to something, since they won’t necessarily do what they say they’ll do.
I’ve been living “one foot out” for years. Hesitant. Wait-and-see.
This is a pretty weak stance.
Can I love the struggle?
Could I love the hard parts? Could I love the challenge? Proving people wrong? Doing something super amazingly large.
I start to feel inspired to take action, and get hungry, and go after things.
But if I land a project at $400,000, who can I celebrate with? That’d be more than I’ve ever made in a year. More than most people I know. What do I do with those relationships? Can I celebrate with them? Will I lose my friendships?
Does success mean loneliness?
Do I still think that playing big means losing community?
This is definitely something to get past, but for the time being I have a commitment to keep for today, and I’m going to at the very least drag myself over the finish line, even if I can’t run, hop, and skip there.
5 product ideas by end of day. Oh damn, I mis-remembered. 5 product designs by end of day. I have some work to do!