Aspiring To Adventure

I started a “5 minute journal” at the beginning of 2023.  I wrote in it every day for the first few days, then once every couple of months thereafter.  I just went back and reread it (it didn’t take long, as it only comprised a couple of pages-thanks, past me for being a slacker).

It was such a gift from past me to present me.  Here’s something I wrote tonight, before rereading the journal, “I feel completely overwhelmed by the house, the kids, the mess, the chores.  And of course all the obligatory ruminating on everything.  All the time.  While I’m trying to keep up with the house and the kids and the mess and the chores, the errands and the groceries, the stupid appointments for stupid things because my body is falling apart.”

And swing on back to March 7, 2023, “Lent.  I wonder if I didn’t choose enough of my own penances.  I don’t know why I feel so disheartened and discouraged and grumpy and angry and flaily.  We keep getting sick.  I feel like I can’t accomplish anything that I need to, much less the things that I want to.  I can’t seem to climb out of the pit of chores, errands, and duties that dominate my life.  That sounds dramatic.”

So there’s some perspective.

First of all, Lent is for serious.  

But second of all, I’m fighting the same battles as I was a year ago.  And reading on, I see that I’ve backslid from some of the victories I won last year.  Not that there haven’t been other victories, but those particular ones might be forfeited, were it not for past me and her record of them.

Husband has been trying to get me to blog here, and something in me just does not want to. I think it might be the part of me that has given up.  On something.  I’m not sure what.  We’ve just been through a dark winter, and it’s tempting to stay in the dark and hide from the light, because the light calls for action.  And we’re weary.  I am weary.

Past me had not just been through a dark winter.  Past me, Lenten lamentations aside, was eager, optimistic, and energetic (I mean, not all the time…but in comparison to present me…)

“I think this is our year.  I kind of feel like I’m coming alive, or like I have been working on coming alive for the last year and a half or so since what I affectionately refer to as my midlife crisis.  And now the snowball is really starting to roll.  It makes me nervous, as all good things seem to.  

Who does God want me to be?  What does God want me to do?

What do I want to do?  What do I enjoy?”

I think past me saw something I’m not seeing right now. I think she saw the hope and endless possibility that come with saying yes to God, trusting in His plan, and jumping into the unknown.

Where is your focus?

On the thing you are doing, or on figuring out if you’re doing the thing you’re doing well?

On the outcome you want, or on how you look when you’re trying to get there?

Simply being mindful and present, and removing your thoughts from the situations in which they shouldn’t be there will change the way you perform entirely.

We get in our own ways when we try to see if we are doing what we want to do instead of just doing it.

Mindfulness is one way to do this. Peace and simplicity is where we need to be.

Living now, in the moment, without anxiety about the next hour. Knowing that we have put everything in place for ourselves to get to our goals so that we can focus on just what we’re doing now, and not carry the weight of the future.

All our plans are laid out somewhere that isn’t our mind. We don’t need to keep checking in to see if we’re on track.

This only works if you have somewhere else to do your planning and to build your future. Otherwise it’s going to crowd out what you’re doing right now. All the time.

Reading about TBOLITNFL got me thinking about “Who I am” again.

It’s a really interesting thing.

Our future is created by the actions we take today. Now.

What we do now happens because of how the situations around us occur to us. What looks possible.

Part of what is possible comes from who we are.

But who we are is not static. Nor is it completely given to us.

God gives us an immense freedom in deciding how we will be.

The Mrs. was telling me about some alzheimer’s patients who become really sweet and loving as they lose their memories, even though they were a bit sour underneath.

It reminds me of how we all have thoughts we use to protect ourselves and that often comes out in ways that are less than kind to others. If we forget those things, who would we be?

So then, if I were to let go of some of those thoughts that make me who I am now, and then look at where I want to be…

Who would I declare myself to be? What kind of person has what I want?

How do I live like that person today? What does that person do in my circumstances?

Because your circumstances change due to your actions, and your actions come from who you are being, so if you decide who you will be, you will start to change your circumstances and your actions and everything changes.

Of course, you have to persist against your environment, your habits, and all the baggage you’ve accumulated in your mind from your experiences and your anxieties.

But if you realize how you’re feeling isn’t what’s truest about yourself, you can be something new from now on.

There’s something about who you are that God gives you. How do you tune into that? How do you find the fullest expression of it?

You have to go deep until you find the declaration of who you will be right now that is true and also new. Something you are afraid to acknowledge in yourself.

It’s tricky work, but fortunately you can mess it up and keep going, because failing is part of the process.

A friend pointed out to me, who I’ve been talking to, that when I’m driving, I tend to complain about the other drivers on the road a lot.

“What’s with this guy?” “What an idiot” “People are crazy today”

Somehow or another, the conversation ended up connecting something for me.

All those casual commentaries on the personal qualities of other people that are apparent from their behaviors was costing me a fortune.

It was costing me my life.

Every time I put a judgement out there, there was an implicit “and I’m not like that.” “I don’t want to be like that”

And that means that an ever increasing part of my mind is now preoccupied with making sure I’m “not like that” with an ever increasing list of rules.

And all that meta-awareness of myself makes me miserable. It keeps my focus off of just going after what I want directly, because now I have created a large bureaucracy in my head of all the things I can’t do on the way to doing that thing.

Now I’m a people-pleaser, wasting time and energy pleasing all the people I now represent to myself, in the form of the crowd of inner voices all telling me how I ought to behave in this or that scenario, so that I’m not “like them”.

Jordan Peterson, in some place I can’t remember (podcast or book), mentions that thinking about yourself is almost synonymous with negative emotion (from brain scans, not just as a conjecture) and thinking about something else is almost synonymous with positive emotion. (Sorry JP if I am misremembering this).

What does that mean? It means that if we have this little crowd of critics in our heads watching us, we have a baseline negative emotion happening all the time.

The amazing thing is realizing you can let that go whenever you want.

When I think about some of the changes I want to make in my life, they feel overwhelming.

Too many flaws and defects in my thinking, too many things I have to root out and eliminate.

Too many inclinations to fight.

Outside of the problems with that mindset, it’s also overwhelming to extend it into the future.

What if I just stopped all that, and just tried to be my best self for 24 hours at a time? And maybe didn’t worry too much about it?

I am reflecting on my goal for the year. It’s all about creating some freedom and some space for myself to be able to do what it is I want to do.

But if you ask me “What do you want to do with that space?” I think most of my answers are things like “spending time with friends”, “reading books”, “playing with my kids”.

So why do I need to pay off all my debts to do that?

I don’t.

I could just do those things.

And this is maybe why this vision isn’t really connecting. The vision is more about a fear that I have.

I am afraid I will lose my space to create if I give myself that space now. I think I need to spend all my time and energy on things that provide value to other people, so that they will pay me, so that I can have a particular set of things.

And then some day (ha!) I will have a stable life and I can finally sit down and do the work I want to do.

Which is what?

This is to say, perhaps I’d be more interested in my goal if it was based on what I do want, instead of what I don’t want.

Is there something I really can’t do now because of my situation of being not-financially-independent?

Or do I simply want to do that so that I can have freedom?

And if I want this freedom (for no particular purpose) why don’t I just give it to myself now?

I could simply detach from all the things I own and we could simplify our lives so that we have more space. We could move somewhere cheaper.

But then again, maybe I could stay where I am and just negotiate things in my own life to make more space for myself. Or appreciate how much time I actually waste just not doing what I say I wish I had time to do.

Hit the limits of what you can do in your current situation, and then you’ll know what actually needs to change.

What are you afraid of?

Do you even have the courage to find out?

Do you secretly hate yourself for cowering away from what you’re really going after?

If the answer is yes, you’re not alone.

I recently had a great call with my coach, where I asked him, based on what we’ve been looking at, how I’m getting in my own way the most.

At the end, “I’m hedging a bit, risking offense, I experience you as cowardly”

This has also been coming up in prayer as well.

My greatest fault is cowardice.

Interestingly, I do a lot of things that other people might be afraid of.

I have no problem doing public speaking. I am able to have difficult conversations with people about tough topics. I ran my own business for years. I like trying new things.

But underneath it all, there’s some deep fears, some things that keep me stuck. The things I am papering over with a lot of external successes to prove to myself I’m actually brave.

My new resolution: I am going to reflect and find things that I’m afraid of. And I’m going to do things with a reasonable chance of those things happening.

What are my fears?

Some that I have identified: Rejection. Public humiliation. Injuries. Physical pain. Mockery. Being dismissed.

If you can’t reward your brain for your daily activities, but only focus on the eventual results of your efforts, you’re going to burn out.

If you aren’t getting a reward from the actions it takes to succeed, then you will not enjoy it, and your motivation will require more and more willpower.

Somehow, you have to love the difficulty, the practice, the little wins of getting better.

If you only like the celebration at the end, you’re not going to have a lot of motivation, because those are far away and a lot of work.

This is what I will put my focus on now. Clearly define the endpoint, and love the process of getting there.

Will my current job become a client? What can I expect there? What will I be able to get?

As I’ve been having bolder conversations and asking for what I want, I haven’t been getting completely rebuffed. But I also wonder if it’s because a clear yes or no could risk me as an employee.

And of course, managers manage people, but to the interests of the organization.

Red lights aren’t failures. They’re clarity.

Get clear so you know what next.

I can’t help but feel I am wasting some time where I am.

But if I get clarity, then I can turn this into my case study quickly, even if I can’t get an immediate financial reward.

So – what do I do? Slow burn my work until I get a yes or no, or just go full throttle?

If I do the latter, I lose negotiating position to some extent (b/c you delivered already, we don’t have to pay you)

But if I do the former, I lose negotiating position to some extent (b/c where are the results, you are now less credible)

What other possibility is there? What if this isn’t a binary?

Am I really serious about reaching my goals?

Do I have an idea of what I actually need to be doing by any given time?

Am I clear? Do I actually reference these things?

No, I generally avoid looking at progress if I’m afraid it’s going to “make me feel bad” about how things are going.

This kind of avoidance is also why I don’t usually get clear enough on what I’m doing when I’m feeling stressed.

Stress leads to avoidance, which leads to living in unreality, feeling comforted by the fact that the things aren’t there when you can’t see them.

This is a massive problem, as a habit or pattern.

When nobody probably reads your blog, you don’t really feel that obligated to keep writing.

Who cares if I do or don’t?

The answer ought to be: I do. I write for me, to work things out, and to share what I learn. All of this writing clarifies my thinking, and creates a record of where I was.

If at some point, I start to be different enough, and get the results I want, I may be able to share this journey with others, to encourage them, to help them see their struggles aren’t weird or unusual.

Greatness comes from not needing immediate feedback from your environment that you’re on the right track. From being able to stick to a vision that your immediate reality (your past, your circumstances, habits of thinking and feeling) don’t actually support.

Change is resisted by what’s already in progress. The more relationships with things in your life keep you in place, the harder it is to change.

So – we have to disentangle our minds and emotions until we are able to make space for something new.

And that’s scary, and sometimes every fiber of our being resists.

And then we thrash about and we think “It’s easier to stay where I am right now”

And that’s true. But you won’t be happy because you’ve started to see what you could be. So you thrash more.

But… you’re still not there. The thrashing seems to make it worse.

It’s not until you achieve a new way of being that the thrashing stops. You’re inhabiting new habits. Your emotional responses and habitual thoughts have started to take a new shape. You react in the way you want to respond.

Then, and only then, is the real power of what you’re doing realized. Things will start happening because you are now being in a state that is ready for the things that were already happening that you could not see or could not yet act upon.

And that’s where I am now. Preparing, building, and occasionally thrashing.

There’s a strong temptation to give up your agency, and wallow sometimes.

Where’s it from?

Not God.

Praise the Lord for a good wife who helps me give up my BS.

Seriously.

When your goals occur to you as basically insane, how do you move forward?

The answer is – you don’t.

Or – you do.

But does your moving actually accomplish those goals?

That depends on what you do.

But what you do depends on how things occur to you.

So it’s very likely, if your goals occur as basically insane, that you’re not actually playing to win. You’re likely playing to “not lose” or to “show you’re not quitting”.

I need to get my headspace into a better headspace.

I have too many Yeses in my life.

This is why progress is slow.

Where’s the obsession? The one singular thing I’m driving at?

I tell my team this in lots of contexts… focus beats no-focus. Let’s do fewer simultaneous things.

But then I don’t live it everywhere.

I let the little tasks pile up, because making the decisions can be hard.

I will create focus.

Well, no wins in relation to our goal of paying off debt.

Tons of wins on the personal growth level. Lots of action. Lots of scary things.

But I’m still relating to most of it as pushing myself, and myself has been getting burned out a bit lately, with all the things going on that I’m not going into.

So it’s time to remember that if you’re not having fun, you’re probably not on the right course. You might have the right goal, but the way you’re trying to get there is probably not the right one, because your energy is all gummed up.

How can I come from a place of happiness and contentment instead of from a place of dissatisfaction?

My way of going after things usually involves being unhappy with something enough that I will get off my butt and do something.

But given the gap between here and where I want to be, that means I will have to be unhappy for a good long time. And that’s going to put a strain on everybody.

So how do I have fun? How do I come from a place of contentment? How do I both make big commitments and also enjoy them? And enjoy doing the things?

What kind of game can I make out of this?

These are the questions I need to answer, so that I can put myself into a more resourceful state.

Anxiety and stress makes you stupid. I need to be creating from a free and safe place, rather than a place of anxiety and wanting.

She used to post on here sometimes.

If you see her, let her know I still love her, and would love her to come back to our blog.

For a few days, I’ve been a bit worked up. Things are crazy and nothing seems to be working.

The question is maybe “What am I getting out of that?”

The answer? I want to rest. I want to take a break and give myself some recharge.

But I’ve never related to work as something you… take breaks from. I relate to is as the thing you do until you’re finished. And so then if I have work that needs to be done, I will often just burn out continuing.

At the same time, to avoid that, I often see lots of things as “not my job”, and I might do them, but I don’t see them as what I am committed to doing. So I will easily take breaks from the things that “aren’t my job”… so that I can recharge.

What if, instead of needing to get myself worked up, I just took a break?

Or if I’m tired, just decided to plod along slowly, without pushing myself so hard that I am struggling.

Accept where I’m at today, and just keep moving forward.

Is the most important thing – be at peace?

Many years ago I was a piano major at Oberlin Conservatory. I was a very good student; not outstanding, but very good. And I very much wanted to study with one teacher who was undoubtedly the best. He’d take ordinary students and turn them into fabulous pianists. Finally I got my chance to study with the teacher.
When I went in for my lesson, I found that he taught with two pi-anos. He didn’t even say hello. He just sat down at his piano and played five notes, and then he said, “You do it.” I was supposed to play it just the way he played it. I played it—and he said, “No.” He played it again, and I played it again. Again he said, “No.” Well, we had an hour of that. And each time he said, “No.”
In the next three months I played about three measures, perhaps half a minute of music. Now I had thought I was pretty good: I’d played soloist with the little symphony orchestras. Yet we did this for three months, and I cried most of those three months. He had all the marks of a real teacher, that tremendous drive and determination to make the student see. That’s why he was so good. And at the end of the three months, one day he said, “Good.” What had happened? Finally, I had learned to listen. And as he said, if you can hear it, you can play it.
What had happened in those three months? I had the same set of ears I started with; nothing had happened to my ears. What I was playing was not technically difficult. What had happened was that I had learned to listen for the first time.. and I’d been playing the piano for many years. I learned to pay attention. That was why he was such a great teacher: he taught his students to pay attention. After working with him they really heard, they really listened. When you can hear it, you can play it. And, finished, beautiful pianists would finally come out of his studio.

Story from Charlotte Joko Beck in Let’s Get Real: or Let’s Not Play

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.

Are you stuck?

Pay attention to the voices in your head. It’s just a thought. The reality isn’t what you think.

Are you having trouble connecting with someone or understanding them.

Pay attention to what they’re saying. Get into that space. See what they’re saying. Their thoughts are their reality at the moment.

Are you having trouble figuring out a problem?

Pay attention to the contours, notice what your assumptions are, what you’re filtering, open up your mind to reality.

Listening is more than just auditory. It is a way of being in relation to something else. It is a hunger for knowing.

Pay attention.

It’s one of those days where I want to just quit everything. I’m tired, sick, and overall not in a positive frame of mind. Nor do I really want to be.

Things are not going how I’d like them to go, etc etc.

If you’re not always taking the most comfortable option in life, this is going to happen. Even when you do take the most comfortable option. Because comfortable options often lead to bad places eventually.

I say I want growth, so I need to keep going.

I finished my commitments, and made some more.

Things currently feel a bit impossible. That means I need to generate more options for action. Maybe I am not doing what’s required.

I need to keep the commitment engine running.

But I also have to step back and ask if I’m putting the right actions into it.

I did a couple things that sounded scary. I am trying to open up conversations with a few more people in the organization, who are important and have big titles. Because if I do that, and I start to get results, it will open up conversations that might get me where I want to go.

But… it was scary.

And I did it. I sent the messages.

Let’s see if anything comes of it. I may need to find other avenues to open up those channels.

Feeling fear, but not deciding because of fear. Fear is an invitation to action. That kind of thing.

Also, thanks wife for scooping the poop.