Aspiring To Adventure

When I think about some of the changes I want to make in my life, they feel overwhelming.

Too many flaws and defects in my thinking, too many things I have to root out and eliminate.

Too many inclinations to fight.

Outside of the problems with that mindset, it’s also overwhelming to extend it into the future.

What if I just stopped all that, and just tried to be my best self for 24 hours at a time? And maybe didn’t worry too much about it?

I am reflecting on my goal for the year. It’s all about creating some freedom and some space for myself to be able to do what it is I want to do.

But if you ask me “What do you want to do with that space?” I think most of my answers are things like “spending time with friends”, “reading books”, “playing with my kids”.

So why do I need to pay off all my debts to do that?

I don’t.

I could just do those things.

And this is maybe why this vision isn’t really connecting. The vision is more about a fear that I have.

I am afraid I will lose my space to create if I give myself that space now. I think I need to spend all my time and energy on things that provide value to other people, so that they will pay me, so that I can have a particular set of things.

And then some day (ha!) I will have a stable life and I can finally sit down and do the work I want to do.

Which is what?

This is to say, perhaps I’d be more interested in my goal if it was based on what I do want, instead of what I don’t want.

Is there something I really can’t do now because of my situation of being not-financially-independent?

Or do I simply want to do that so that I can have freedom?

And if I want this freedom (for no particular purpose) why don’t I just give it to myself now?

I could simply detach from all the things I own and we could simplify our lives so that we have more space. We could move somewhere cheaper.

But then again, maybe I could stay where I am and just negotiate things in my own life to make more space for myself. Or appreciate how much time I actually waste just not doing what I say I wish I had time to do.

Hit the limits of what you can do in your current situation, and then you’ll know what actually needs to change.

What are you afraid of?

Do you even have the courage to find out?

Do you secretly hate yourself for cowering away from what you’re really going after?

If the answer is yes, you’re not alone.

I recently had a great call with my coach, where I asked him, based on what we’ve been looking at, how I’m getting in my own way the most.

At the end, “I’m hedging a bit, risking offense, I experience you as cowardly”

This has also been coming up in prayer as well.

My greatest fault is cowardice.

Interestingly, I do a lot of things that other people might be afraid of.

I have no problem doing public speaking. I am able to have difficult conversations with people about tough topics. I ran my own business for years. I like trying new things.

But underneath it all, there’s some deep fears, some things that keep me stuck. The things I am papering over with a lot of external successes to prove to myself I’m actually brave.

My new resolution: I am going to reflect and find things that I’m afraid of. And I’m going to do things with a reasonable chance of those things happening.

What are my fears?

Some that I have identified: Rejection. Public humiliation. Injuries. Physical pain. Mockery. Being dismissed.

If you can’t reward your brain for your daily activities, but only focus on the eventual results of your efforts, you’re going to burn out.

If you aren’t getting a reward from the actions it takes to succeed, then you will not enjoy it, and your motivation will require more and more willpower.

Somehow, you have to love the difficulty, the practice, the little wins of getting better.

If you only like the celebration at the end, you’re not going to have a lot of motivation, because those are far away and a lot of work.

This is what I will put my focus on now. Clearly define the endpoint, and love the process of getting there.

Will my current job become a client? What can I expect there? What will I be able to get?

As I’ve been having bolder conversations and asking for what I want, I haven’t been getting completely rebuffed. But I also wonder if it’s because a clear yes or no could risk me as an employee.

And of course, managers manage people, but to the interests of the organization.

Red lights aren’t failures. They’re clarity.

Get clear so you know what next.

I can’t help but feel I am wasting some time where I am.

But if I get clarity, then I can turn this into my case study quickly, even if I can’t get an immediate financial reward.

So – what do I do? Slow burn my work until I get a yes or no, or just go full throttle?

If I do the latter, I lose negotiating position to some extent (b/c you delivered already, we don’t have to pay you)

But if I do the former, I lose negotiating position to some extent (b/c where are the results, you are now less credible)

What other possibility is there? What if this isn’t a binary?

Am I really serious about reaching my goals?

Do I have an idea of what I actually need to be doing by any given time?

Am I clear? Do I actually reference these things?

No, I generally avoid looking at progress if I’m afraid it’s going to “make me feel bad” about how things are going.

This kind of avoidance is also why I don’t usually get clear enough on what I’m doing when I’m feeling stressed.

Stress leads to avoidance, which leads to living in unreality, feeling comforted by the fact that the things aren’t there when you can’t see them.

This is a massive problem, as a habit or pattern.

When nobody probably reads your blog, you don’t really feel that obligated to keep writing.

Who cares if I do or don’t?

The answer ought to be: I do. I write for me, to work things out, and to share what I learn. All of this writing clarifies my thinking, and creates a record of where I was.

If at some point, I start to be different enough, and get the results I want, I may be able to share this journey with others, to encourage them, to help them see their struggles aren’t weird or unusual.

Greatness comes from not needing immediate feedback from your environment that you’re on the right track. From being able to stick to a vision that your immediate reality (your past, your circumstances, habits of thinking and feeling) don’t actually support.

Change is resisted by what’s already in progress. The more relationships with things in your life keep you in place, the harder it is to change.

So – we have to disentangle our minds and emotions until we are able to make space for something new.

And that’s scary, and sometimes every fiber of our being resists.

And then we thrash about and we think “It’s easier to stay where I am right now”

And that’s true. But you won’t be happy because you’ve started to see what you could be. So you thrash more.

But… you’re still not there. The thrashing seems to make it worse.

It’s not until you achieve a new way of being that the thrashing stops. You’re inhabiting new habits. Your emotional responses and habitual thoughts have started to take a new shape. You react in the way you want to respond.

Then, and only then, is the real power of what you’re doing realized. Things will start happening because you are now being in a state that is ready for the things that were already happening that you could not see or could not yet act upon.

And that’s where I am now. Preparing, building, and occasionally thrashing.

There’s a strong temptation to give up your agency, and wallow sometimes.

Where’s it from?

Not God.

Praise the Lord for a good wife who helps me give up my BS.

Seriously.

When your goals occur to you as basically insane, how do you move forward?

The answer is – you don’t.

Or – you do.

But does your moving actually accomplish those goals?

That depends on what you do.

But what you do depends on how things occur to you.

So it’s very likely, if your goals occur as basically insane, that you’re not actually playing to win. You’re likely playing to “not lose” or to “show you’re not quitting”.

I need to get my headspace into a better headspace.

I have too many Yeses in my life.

This is why progress is slow.

Where’s the obsession? The one singular thing I’m driving at?

I tell my team this in lots of contexts… focus beats no-focus. Let’s do fewer simultaneous things.

But then I don’t live it everywhere.

I let the little tasks pile up, because making the decisions can be hard.

I will create focus.

Well, no wins in relation to our goal of paying off debt.

Tons of wins on the personal growth level. Lots of action. Lots of scary things.

But I’m still relating to most of it as pushing myself, and myself has been getting burned out a bit lately, with all the things going on that I’m not going into.

So it’s time to remember that if you’re not having fun, you’re probably not on the right course. You might have the right goal, but the way you’re trying to get there is probably not the right one, because your energy is all gummed up.

How can I come from a place of happiness and contentment instead of from a place of dissatisfaction?

My way of going after things usually involves being unhappy with something enough that I will get off my butt and do something.

But given the gap between here and where I want to be, that means I will have to be unhappy for a good long time. And that’s going to put a strain on everybody.

So how do I have fun? How do I come from a place of contentment? How do I both make big commitments and also enjoy them? And enjoy doing the things?

What kind of game can I make out of this?

These are the questions I need to answer, so that I can put myself into a more resourceful state.

Anxiety and stress makes you stupid. I need to be creating from a free and safe place, rather than a place of anxiety and wanting.

She used to post on here sometimes.

If you see her, let her know I still love her, and would love her to come back to our blog.

For a few days, I’ve been a bit worked up. Things are crazy and nothing seems to be working.

The question is maybe “What am I getting out of that?”

The answer? I want to rest. I want to take a break and give myself some recharge.

But I’ve never related to work as something you… take breaks from. I relate to is as the thing you do until you’re finished. And so then if I have work that needs to be done, I will often just burn out continuing.

At the same time, to avoid that, I often see lots of things as “not my job”, and I might do them, but I don’t see them as what I am committed to doing. So I will easily take breaks from the things that “aren’t my job”… so that I can recharge.

What if, instead of needing to get myself worked up, I just took a break?

Or if I’m tired, just decided to plod along slowly, without pushing myself so hard that I am struggling.

Accept where I’m at today, and just keep moving forward.

Is the most important thing – be at peace?

Many years ago I was a piano major at Oberlin Conservatory. I was a very good student; not outstanding, but very good. And I very much wanted to study with one teacher who was undoubtedly the best. He’d take ordinary students and turn them into fabulous pianists. Finally I got my chance to study with the teacher.
When I went in for my lesson, I found that he taught with two pi-anos. He didn’t even say hello. He just sat down at his piano and played five notes, and then he said, “You do it.” I was supposed to play it just the way he played it. I played it—and he said, “No.” He played it again, and I played it again. Again he said, “No.” Well, we had an hour of that. And each time he said, “No.”
In the next three months I played about three measures, perhaps half a minute of music. Now I had thought I was pretty good: I’d played soloist with the little symphony orchestras. Yet we did this for three months, and I cried most of those three months. He had all the marks of a real teacher, that tremendous drive and determination to make the student see. That’s why he was so good. And at the end of the three months, one day he said, “Good.” What had happened? Finally, I had learned to listen. And as he said, if you can hear it, you can play it.
What had happened in those three months? I had the same set of ears I started with; nothing had happened to my ears. What I was playing was not technically difficult. What had happened was that I had learned to listen for the first time.. and I’d been playing the piano for many years. I learned to pay attention. That was why he was such a great teacher: he taught his students to pay attention. After working with him they really heard, they really listened. When you can hear it, you can play it. And, finished, beautiful pianists would finally come out of his studio.

Story from Charlotte Joko Beck in Let’s Get Real: or Let’s Not Play

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.

Are you stuck?

Pay attention to the voices in your head. It’s just a thought. The reality isn’t what you think.

Are you having trouble connecting with someone or understanding them.

Pay attention to what they’re saying. Get into that space. See what they’re saying. Their thoughts are their reality at the moment.

Are you having trouble figuring out a problem?

Pay attention to the contours, notice what your assumptions are, what you’re filtering, open up your mind to reality.

Listening is more than just auditory. It is a way of being in relation to something else. It is a hunger for knowing.

Pay attention.

It’s one of those days where I want to just quit everything. I’m tired, sick, and overall not in a positive frame of mind. Nor do I really want to be.

Things are not going how I’d like them to go, etc etc.

If you’re not always taking the most comfortable option in life, this is going to happen. Even when you do take the most comfortable option. Because comfortable options often lead to bad places eventually.

I say I want growth, so I need to keep going.

I finished my commitments, and made some more.

Things currently feel a bit impossible. That means I need to generate more options for action. Maybe I am not doing what’s required.

I need to keep the commitment engine running.

But I also have to step back and ask if I’m putting the right actions into it.

I did a couple things that sounded scary. I am trying to open up conversations with a few more people in the organization, who are important and have big titles. Because if I do that, and I start to get results, it will open up conversations that might get me where I want to go.

But… it was scary.

And I did it. I sent the messages.

Let’s see if anything comes of it. I may need to find other avenues to open up those channels.

Feeling fear, but not deciding because of fear. Fear is an invitation to action. That kind of thing.

Also, thanks wife for scooping the poop.

Husband wants me to blog… He’s got a point. I just looked back over the last few weeks of blog posts, and it’s husband, husband, husband, with a couple of cameos by me. So good job, husband, for keeping the blog running while I work through my complicated feelings in my head instead of on a page.

We got the shoe rack. That’s something. We also replaced a weird, awkward piece of furniture that came with the house, sat by the door for the last 4 years, and did not serve our needs. So in the case of the hallway, at least, we’re making great strides toward order and wonder. Order at least.

I have done absolutely nothing businessy/money-making related for the last month at least. To be fair, I’ve been going through some serious stuff. And the stuff is ongoing and the end date is fuzzy. But maybe there is no end date to serious stuff.

I have not cleaned the stove for a few days. I did scoop the litter box yesterday, but I fear my valiant efforts will go unnoticed, as the cat continues to produce excrement at a healthy rate.

What is keeping me from doing the things I want to do? I think not wanting to do them. I know that cleaning the stove will make my world better, and will fill me with the energy of a woman with a clean stove. I know that prioritizing my morning shower over all the other things that have to get done will actually help me to get all those other things done. But I’m tired, and my desire for the things I desire is less than my desire to avoid the extra work of procuring the things I desire. I think maybe I need to want things more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to say I’m going to do the things, and then find a way to do them. But I don’t want to…

Something I’m wondering about – when you are feeling physically exhausted – how much of that is what you say to yourself?

If I stop saying “I’m tired” and “I’m exhausted”, how much of an impact will that have on my experience, and thus my behavior, and how much of that new behavior will actually make me feel less tired?

Or will I just run myself ragged until my body collapses?

Getting enough sleep seems to be really hard for us right now…. But maybe that too is just because of how this situation occurs. It’s 10pm and I’m writing a post instead of going to bed. Because why?

It’s British. It only sounds dirty.

To be honest, it might be, because you know those British.

“If you say that someone is faffing about or faffing around, you mean that they are doing things in a disorganized way and not achieving very much.” – is what the internet says this means.

What’s the confront? (to use an odd phrase)

What is the thing that ultimately must be faced in order to make progress?

(MRS points out that my sub-title “Self-abusive” in my last post could be taken to mean something that “faffing” might also sound like.)

Are you facing the big scary thing that has to be done?

What’s the big scary thing? It’s building the relationships with the other executives in the company. It’s building the relationships with other people who might be allies in my quest to make lots of money.

Why don’t I do this? Why haven’t I so far?

Up until now, I didn’t want to seem self-promoting, so I just connected in whatever capacity seemed natural and when it seemed natural. From now on, I will create opportunities to connect with the core decision makers at work so that I can have more influence and credibility.

I need to have powerful conversations if I am going to make a powerful proposal.

I created some agitation and franticness for myself this week.

When I sat down to reflect on it, I realized I didn’t trust myself to keep up an effort without a massive motivating force, a massive scary terrorizing thing that you have to run from.

In my earlier years, it was poverty – I didn’t want to end up like my parents.

So I worked hard, and always believed I was just a few days of low performance away from getting canned and living in the gutter.

At some point, this belief system was hard to maintain, especially as I started to get more exposure to other engineers, and realized I was pretty good by comparison, even when I was coasting.

I started to prioritize being content and enjoying life a bit more.

I lost my fire. I didn’t sustain efforts on anything hard or uncomfortable. I did the thing that was the easiest.

And that got me to where I am today – out of the game, and annoyed at myself about it.

I don’t trust myself to keep going unless there’s a monster behind me.

So I try to generate franticness and anxiety to motivate myself.

A Self-Abusive Manager

I realized this is actually a terrible management technique. I would not ramp up fear and anxiety for my team members because I know that makes people stupider and less resourceful.

Yet, I do it to myself.

What makes people perform at high levels? Inspiration, desire, and commitment.

I have created powerful commitments for myself, and I see myself keeping a lot of the commitments I make every week.

But I know that I’m not quite on the right track because I’m not getting the results I am really after.

So I need to look more soberly at what actions I need to be taking. What are some new perspectives, some new futures, that I could consider that would give me a new menu of options?

This is where I start to build more trust with myself – to not only keep my regular small commitments, but to make sure that I am actually staying true to my longer-term commitments through the actions I commit to do.

So that’s my next mini-commitment.