Aspiring To Adventure

Am I really serious about reaching my goals?

Do I have an idea of what I actually need to be doing by any given time?

Am I clear? Do I actually reference these things?

No, I generally avoid looking at progress if I’m afraid it’s going to “make me feel bad” about how things are going.

This kind of avoidance is also why I don’t usually get clear enough on what I’m doing when I’m feeling stressed.

Stress leads to avoidance, which leads to living in unreality, feeling comforted by the fact that the things aren’t there when you can’t see them.

This is a massive problem, as a habit or pattern.

When nobody probably reads your blog, you don’t really feel that obligated to keep writing.

Who cares if I do or don’t?

The answer ought to be: I do. I write for me, to work things out, and to share what I learn. All of this writing clarifies my thinking, and creates a record of where I was.

If at some point, I start to be different enough, and get the results I want, I may be able to share this journey with others, to encourage them, to help them see their struggles aren’t weird or unusual.

Greatness comes from not needing immediate feedback from your environment that you’re on the right track. From being able to stick to a vision that your immediate reality (your past, your circumstances, habits of thinking and feeling) don’t actually support.

Change is resisted by what’s already in progress. The more relationships with things in your life keep you in place, the harder it is to change.

So – we have to disentangle our minds and emotions until we are able to make space for something new.

And that’s scary, and sometimes every fiber of our being resists.

And then we thrash about and we think “It’s easier to stay where I am right now”

And that’s true. But you won’t be happy because you’ve started to see what you could be. So you thrash more.

But… you’re still not there. The thrashing seems to make it worse.

It’s not until you achieve a new way of being that the thrashing stops. You’re inhabiting new habits. Your emotional responses and habitual thoughts have started to take a new shape. You react in the way you want to respond.

Then, and only then, is the real power of what you’re doing realized. Things will start happening because you are now being in a state that is ready for the things that were already happening that you could not see or could not yet act upon.

And that’s where I am now. Preparing, building, and occasionally thrashing.

There’s a strong temptation to give up your agency, and wallow sometimes.

Where’s it from?

Not God.

Praise the Lord for a good wife who helps me give up my BS.

Seriously.

When your goals occur to you as basically insane, how do you move forward?

The answer is – you don’t.

Or – you do.

But does your moving actually accomplish those goals?

That depends on what you do.

But what you do depends on how things occur to you.

So it’s very likely, if your goals occur as basically insane, that you’re not actually playing to win. You’re likely playing to “not lose” or to “show you’re not quitting”.

I need to get my headspace into a better headspace.

I have too many Yeses in my life.

This is why progress is slow.

Where’s the obsession? The one singular thing I’m driving at?

I tell my team this in lots of contexts… focus beats no-focus. Let’s do fewer simultaneous things.

But then I don’t live it everywhere.

I let the little tasks pile up, because making the decisions can be hard.

I will create focus.

Well, no wins in relation to our goal of paying off debt.

Tons of wins on the personal growth level. Lots of action. Lots of scary things.

But I’m still relating to most of it as pushing myself, and myself has been getting burned out a bit lately, with all the things going on that I’m not going into.

So it’s time to remember that if you’re not having fun, you’re probably not on the right course. You might have the right goal, but the way you’re trying to get there is probably not the right one, because your energy is all gummed up.

How can I come from a place of happiness and contentment instead of from a place of dissatisfaction?

My way of going after things usually involves being unhappy with something enough that I will get off my butt and do something.

But given the gap between here and where I want to be, that means I will have to be unhappy for a good long time. And that’s going to put a strain on everybody.

So how do I have fun? How do I come from a place of contentment? How do I both make big commitments and also enjoy them? And enjoy doing the things?

What kind of game can I make out of this?

These are the questions I need to answer, so that I can put myself into a more resourceful state.

Anxiety and stress makes you stupid. I need to be creating from a free and safe place, rather than a place of anxiety and wanting.

She used to post on here sometimes.

If you see her, let her know I still love her, and would love her to come back to our blog.

For a few days, I’ve been a bit worked up. Things are crazy and nothing seems to be working.

The question is maybe “What am I getting out of that?”

The answer? I want to rest. I want to take a break and give myself some recharge.

But I’ve never related to work as something you… take breaks from. I relate to is as the thing you do until you’re finished. And so then if I have work that needs to be done, I will often just burn out continuing.

At the same time, to avoid that, I often see lots of things as “not my job”, and I might do them, but I don’t see them as what I am committed to doing. So I will easily take breaks from the things that “aren’t my job”… so that I can recharge.

What if, instead of needing to get myself worked up, I just took a break?

Or if I’m tired, just decided to plod along slowly, without pushing myself so hard that I am struggling.

Accept where I’m at today, and just keep moving forward.

Is the most important thing – be at peace?

Many years ago I was a piano major at Oberlin Conservatory. I was a very good student; not outstanding, but very good. And I very much wanted to study with one teacher who was undoubtedly the best. He’d take ordinary students and turn them into fabulous pianists. Finally I got my chance to study with the teacher.
When I went in for my lesson, I found that he taught with two pi-anos. He didn’t even say hello. He just sat down at his piano and played five notes, and then he said, “You do it.” I was supposed to play it just the way he played it. I played it—and he said, “No.” He played it again, and I played it again. Again he said, “No.” Well, we had an hour of that. And each time he said, “No.”
In the next three months I played about three measures, perhaps half a minute of music. Now I had thought I was pretty good: I’d played soloist with the little symphony orchestras. Yet we did this for three months, and I cried most of those three months. He had all the marks of a real teacher, that tremendous drive and determination to make the student see. That’s why he was so good. And at the end of the three months, one day he said, “Good.” What had happened? Finally, I had learned to listen. And as he said, if you can hear it, you can play it.
What had happened in those three months? I had the same set of ears I started with; nothing had happened to my ears. What I was playing was not technically difficult. What had happened was that I had learned to listen for the first time.. and I’d been playing the piano for many years. I learned to pay attention. That was why he was such a great teacher: he taught his students to pay attention. After working with him they really heard, they really listened. When you can hear it, you can play it. And, finished, beautiful pianists would finally come out of his studio.

Story from Charlotte Joko Beck in Let’s Get Real: or Let’s Not Play

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.

Are you stuck?

Pay attention to the voices in your head. It’s just a thought. The reality isn’t what you think.

Are you having trouble connecting with someone or understanding them.

Pay attention to what they’re saying. Get into that space. See what they’re saying. Their thoughts are their reality at the moment.

Are you having trouble figuring out a problem?

Pay attention to the contours, notice what your assumptions are, what you’re filtering, open up your mind to reality.

Listening is more than just auditory. It is a way of being in relation to something else. It is a hunger for knowing.

Pay attention.

It’s one of those days where I want to just quit everything. I’m tired, sick, and overall not in a positive frame of mind. Nor do I really want to be.

Things are not going how I’d like them to go, etc etc.

If you’re not always taking the most comfortable option in life, this is going to happen. Even when you do take the most comfortable option. Because comfortable options often lead to bad places eventually.

I say I want growth, so I need to keep going.

I finished my commitments, and made some more.

Things currently feel a bit impossible. That means I need to generate more options for action. Maybe I am not doing what’s required.

I need to keep the commitment engine running.

But I also have to step back and ask if I’m putting the right actions into it.

I did a couple things that sounded scary. I am trying to open up conversations with a few more people in the organization, who are important and have big titles. Because if I do that, and I start to get results, it will open up conversations that might get me where I want to go.

But… it was scary.

And I did it. I sent the messages.

Let’s see if anything comes of it. I may need to find other avenues to open up those channels.

Feeling fear, but not deciding because of fear. Fear is an invitation to action. That kind of thing.

Also, thanks wife for scooping the poop.

Husband wants me to blog… He’s got a point. I just looked back over the last few weeks of blog posts, and it’s husband, husband, husband, with a couple of cameos by me. So good job, husband, for keeping the blog running while I work through my complicated feelings in my head instead of on a page.

We got the shoe rack. That’s something. We also replaced a weird, awkward piece of furniture that came with the house, sat by the door for the last 4 years, and did not serve our needs. So in the case of the hallway, at least, we’re making great strides toward order and wonder. Order at least.

I have done absolutely nothing businessy/money-making related for the last month at least. To be fair, I’ve been going through some serious stuff. And the stuff is ongoing and the end date is fuzzy. But maybe there is no end date to serious stuff.

I have not cleaned the stove for a few days. I did scoop the litter box yesterday, but I fear my valiant efforts will go unnoticed, as the cat continues to produce excrement at a healthy rate.

What is keeping me from doing the things I want to do? I think not wanting to do them. I know that cleaning the stove will make my world better, and will fill me with the energy of a woman with a clean stove. I know that prioritizing my morning shower over all the other things that have to get done will actually help me to get all those other things done. But I’m tired, and my desire for the things I desire is less than my desire to avoid the extra work of procuring the things I desire. I think maybe I need to want things more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to say I’m going to do the things, and then find a way to do them. But I don’t want to…

Something I’m wondering about – when you are feeling physically exhausted – how much of that is what you say to yourself?

If I stop saying “I’m tired” and “I’m exhausted”, how much of an impact will that have on my experience, and thus my behavior, and how much of that new behavior will actually make me feel less tired?

Or will I just run myself ragged until my body collapses?

Getting enough sleep seems to be really hard for us right now…. But maybe that too is just because of how this situation occurs. It’s 10pm and I’m writing a post instead of going to bed. Because why?

It’s British. It only sounds dirty.

To be honest, it might be, because you know those British.

“If you say that someone is faffing about or faffing around, you mean that they are doing things in a disorganized way and not achieving very much.” – is what the internet says this means.

What’s the confront? (to use an odd phrase)

What is the thing that ultimately must be faced in order to make progress?

(MRS points out that my sub-title “Self-abusive” in my last post could be taken to mean something that “faffing” might also sound like.)

Are you facing the big scary thing that has to be done?

What’s the big scary thing? It’s building the relationships with the other executives in the company. It’s building the relationships with other people who might be allies in my quest to make lots of money.

Why don’t I do this? Why haven’t I so far?

Up until now, I didn’t want to seem self-promoting, so I just connected in whatever capacity seemed natural and when it seemed natural. From now on, I will create opportunities to connect with the core decision makers at work so that I can have more influence and credibility.

I need to have powerful conversations if I am going to make a powerful proposal.

I created some agitation and franticness for myself this week.

When I sat down to reflect on it, I realized I didn’t trust myself to keep up an effort without a massive motivating force, a massive scary terrorizing thing that you have to run from.

In my earlier years, it was poverty – I didn’t want to end up like my parents.

So I worked hard, and always believed I was just a few days of low performance away from getting canned and living in the gutter.

At some point, this belief system was hard to maintain, especially as I started to get more exposure to other engineers, and realized I was pretty good by comparison, even when I was coasting.

I started to prioritize being content and enjoying life a bit more.

I lost my fire. I didn’t sustain efforts on anything hard or uncomfortable. I did the thing that was the easiest.

And that got me to where I am today – out of the game, and annoyed at myself about it.

I don’t trust myself to keep going unless there’s a monster behind me.

So I try to generate franticness and anxiety to motivate myself.

A Self-Abusive Manager

I realized this is actually a terrible management technique. I would not ramp up fear and anxiety for my team members because I know that makes people stupider and less resourceful.

Yet, I do it to myself.

What makes people perform at high levels? Inspiration, desire, and commitment.

I have created powerful commitments for myself, and I see myself keeping a lot of the commitments I make every week.

But I know that I’m not quite on the right track because I’m not getting the results I am really after.

So I need to look more soberly at what actions I need to be taking. What are some new perspectives, some new futures, that I could consider that would give me a new menu of options?

This is where I start to build more trust with myself – to not only keep my regular small commitments, but to make sure that I am actually staying true to my longer-term commitments through the actions I commit to do.

So that’s my next mini-commitment.

So in an attempt to learn some skills I could use in service of my consulting venture (i.e. transforming organizational performance) I decided I would try coaching someone I knew.

First session – great. Second session – not great.

In fact, the feedback during the second session was that we spent a ton of time on a topic he didn’t find that thrilling.

How did I contribute to that? Was I 100% committed to serving his interests and goals? Did I occur to him as doing that? Or did I blow it somehow?

I think I blew it on the end. I was digging into a small thing because I sensed a pattern, and we found something that is significant. Yay!

But then I lost the thread, and didn’t help him create something powerful on the other side of that. Boo!

So – after you find the gold, what do you do? How do you help them turn that into actions, or apply a change?

I realized this morning, as I was having a sort of frantic feeling about some of the endeavors that I’m doing, that I believed that I had to struggle against failure.

Or struggle against my dreams not becoming real.

But what you resist persists, psychologically speaking.

If I am fighting against thinking about snacking, I am going to be thinking about snacking.

Likewise, fighting against an impending sense of things slipping through your fingers gives you the thought “things are slipping through my fingers”.

That, of course, affects how you show up because that becomes the way the situation occurs to you.

And then, of course, we live into these futures we are fighting against.

The solution, of course, is to simply let that thought drift through your mind unencumbered, and let it go. Place your attention elsewhere.

Fearing the thing that’s not happening is a good way to help that thing ruin your life, and also to make it more likely to be part of your future, in some way.

What business are you in? What’s the thing that actually creates the value and captures the value?

What’s your sales funnel? How do you get things moving through your system?

Without knowing that, you might be doing a lot of work that’s besides the point.

You drop them on the ground as you struggle with your take out containers.

Then you are sad, because your lemons are ruined.

Sometimes you can’t fix something. That thing is over. It is not coming back. It cannot be salvaged.

Obviously I’m not talking about lemons.

But you can take comfort in the fact that Christ makes all things new. He will wipe away every tear, but not yet.

Sometimes things happen that hurt and you can’t fix it, and all you can do is accept it.

Sometimes there isn’t even a lesson so you can do better next time.

That’s sometimes what we’re called to, what God asks us to bear.

If you are having a bad time with something, you are probably doing it to yourself.

I spent a week or two angsting about whether or not to drop a commitment I had made. And it was just a commitment to myself.

So there I was, thinking “It has to mean something” if I quit this things. It means I’m a quitter, a failure, someone who gives up.

Meanwhile, the thing itself wasn’t really fun and I was starting to think I was wasting time on it which was taking away from my larger commitments and goals for the next year.

My coach asked me a question – “What do you want dropping that to mean? What criteria do you want to use to decide when to quit?”

After sitting with that, I realized I didn’t want to quit anything ever. I wanted to go all the way, to irrecoverable failure, or ultimate success.

And as soon as I said that, he asked “What’s that? How do you fail permanently?”

And of course, it was all just arbitrary. What is failure? What is success?

What’s the definition of done for anything? You make it up!

And if you make it up, you can change it when it’s not serving you.

Ultimately, my personal goal is to get into sync with the desires God puts in my heart, and to act out of those. To avoid putting things in the way that aren’t real, that are just the problems I am inflicting on myself.

How many problems do we inflict on ourselves? How many rules do we make up that aren’t really necessary?

The crazy thing is that even after knowing that we do this, you can still have massive blind spots where you think something is just the way it is, or how it should be.

You create your problems.