Aspiring To Adventure

I realized today as I was looking at my two committed actions that they were commitments not so much to actually get a result, but to take an action that was one particular way to get that result.

I found a much easier way to get my end result, which meant I didn’t have to take the committed action at all.

What’s odd about this is that I’ve been really trying to be a bit of a stickler with myself about doing the things I said I would do.

Means vs. Ends; Intermediate Goals

So in life, we have some things we desire as a means, and some we desire as an end in themselves, and some things are ends that serve a bigger end.

How do you know if you can “let yourself off the hook” for some action?

The simple answer is when the action is to accomplish something that has already been accomplished, or when you find a better action to take to accomplish that action.

Another place is when you realize that your committed actions aren’t actually on the critical path.

If you’ve committed to doing Surface Level, or even somewhat tangential tasks, and realize they’re not actually serving you in getting to the next most important goal, then you should put it aside until it matters and figure out what actually matters.

(Caveat: Don’t spiral and get stuck looking for the most impactful action. You’ll never make perfect decisions or do the exact right thing. Do whatever seems right, and check in with yourself to stay honest.)

An Example

Today I was looking for a way to get the Gitlab MR data so I could build a script to collect and analyze statistics.

Turns out most of the data is already available in Gitlab itself, and I didn’t have to do that.

So – done.

And then I had an action to look up 5 Print-on-Demand suppliers and get pricing. I half did this a week ago, and just picked the next one on my list and ordered some samples… if it’s good enough, it doesn’t matter if pricing is not ideal right now, because I don’t need to optimize my margins. I need to find customers. Finding customers is the only thing that makes a business.

I do need to make my website 50% less crappy.

But the key is to figure out how to get my products onto lots and lots of platforms, and then start doing social media marketing to see if I can get some viral content out in the world.

These are things that could make a difference.

If I had major volume, I could find a cheaper way to produce the product and make my margins amazing.

But the critical straight-line is finding customers.

Why would a distinction, a purely mental construct, actually give you power?

What do I mean by power? Is power some abstract concept, like the genie in Aladdin, to make things into whatever he wants by simply willing it?

……Yes. Kind of.

Power is simply the ability to do work, where work is directed force.

That work can be on physical things. Sometimes that work is on other people’s minds, such as when you convince someone that something is different.

But why do we care about other people’s minds? Much less our own minds?

Why do distinctions give us power? What do we mean by power?

Energy versus directed power

Imagine you’re a tornado. Raw force, and energy, and extremely “powerful”.

But without any direction whatsoever.

Ask a tornado to hand you a cup of tea, and see what happens.

A tornado cannot do a simple task. A tornado can only be chaotic.

In some sense, a tornado would be called powerful. But in another sense, a tornado is helpless.

To do work, meaning directed force, requires controlling the application of force.

Controlling the application of force requires pointing the force at something particular.

Have you ever watched a toddler try to wash the dishes for the first time? They take the sponge and ineffectively wave it across the dish, missing most of the dirt, and run the water wherever the water happens to run.

The dishes typically stay dirty in this scenario, except by accident.

But what happens when the child learns to wash dishes?

They start to see that applying the sponge in a particular way to a particular place has a particular effect.

They have made a distinction between dirty plate and clean plate, and they have made a distinction between waving the sponge around and actually applying the sponge to the plate where the dirt is.

This distinction allows the child to direct their forces in a way that gets a particular result.

As we get older, we tend to think we see clearly.

But in fact, we also sometimes just “wave the sponge around” ineffectually, because we don’t take the time to figure out where to apply our forces.

Distinctions are essential to doing work, because they allow you to see where the force must be applied to have the effect.

Again – we all know this, but we don’t really see why it applies.

In the case of purely mental distinctions, we think it’s just “mindset” or “positive thinking”.

But no! It is our fundamental ability to perceive the nature of things correctly, so that we know how to direct our forces to get a desired result.

If you want to turn on a stove, do you just blindly run your hands over it? No! You see that there are knobs and buttons. And you distinguish them from one another. You don’t just turn on the stove by chance.

Similarly, when you think two things are the same thing, you make mistakes.

Thoughts lead to actions

Believing, for example, that taking care of yourself is selfish because other people need something too… this makes “self-care” the same as “selfish”, and then you resist self-care because selfish is bad.

Occasionally you rebel! I’m going to be selfish today! I’m going to do what I need! I’m going to push back all these demands and get what I want!

Then you have a great day, feel refreshed, and with this newfound energy… berate yourself for your selfishness yesterday, and resolve to become self-immolating yet again.

What’s the solution?

The solution is to realize that being selfish and taking care of yourself are not the same. There is a distinction. One is putting yourself above others. The other is putting yourself on equal footing with others. To see yourself also as a self, and not simply to see the other as a self.

Wrapping Up

Distinctions are a source of real power, not because they give us more actual power (they don’t), but because they allow us to see situations and things in a more resourceful way. We can now leverage the nature of the situation or the object to use the power we have (i.e. moving, speaking, etc) to actually make a difference.

We do not, by seeing distinctions, magically become more energetic (though that is possible in some cases) but instead see situations in ways that allow us to act effectively, and to actually make a difference.

Distinction

Another great distinction from Straight Line Leadership (I really need to do a quick post on why distinctions are not some mental trick to make yourself feel better that is actually rooted in our basic relationship to our environment; pretend this parenthetical tangent didn’t make you forget the beginning of the sentence):

Obstacle Vs. Conditions of the Game.

Are you looking at everything that’s happening in your life as obstacles, or simply part of the game you have to play?

Kids screaming -> Obstacle to happy family, or part of the game of raising kids?

The larger your “game” can become, the more resourceful you can be. There are always ways to address the world when you don’t see it as something to freak out about.

Circumstance

Facebook hates my middle name.

I wanted to start a new profile, because I deleted my last one not too long ago, and I didn’t really want friends and family friending me just yet. I am working on some side hustles.

Apparently you can’t use your middle name, or they will cancel your account.

Look, fine Facebook, I don’t actually want an account in the first place.

But you, Facebook, told me that I needed an account to make a Facebook page for the business I want to start. And I dutifully complied, not realizing you wanted to apply this level of scrutiny to how I identify.

And what’s especially infuriating about this is that if I wanted to feminize my name to something that is not at all my name, they would be completely cool with me using a name that’s not on my birth certificate.

Yet here I am, using my God-given (middle) name, and they turn off my account and tell me the decision will be final and cannot be appealed.

Applying the Distinction

This is online marketing. This is the game I am choosing to play. And I will win it, with or without Facebook. Somehow, I will turn this game into something I can win.

And when I have won that game, my next game may very well be applying all my knowledge and skills to changing the way the entire world thinks about Facebook so that everyone’s default future is deleting their account and moving on. (Yes, that’s my revenge fantasy that I am choosing not to focus on right now).

In the meantime, I will be working on opening up other social media accounts, and finding people in my network who know how to deal with this kind of thing, and how I can get access to my store’s FB page again.

All part of the game¹.

1. Of course who could forget the 1980’s movie War Games and the line: “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”? At times, online marketing and sales feels like this, either as the seller or the sellee (is that a word?). Should we even be doing this whole internet thing in the first place? Is it really working out so well for humanity? ↩︎

Advent is my favorite liturgical season.  I’m actually not a big fan of Christmas, and I think that makes it easier for me to live in the moment of anticipation.  6 year old asks me, “can you not wait for Christmas, Mama?” and I’m like, “Nah, I’m cool.”  I savor the 3 or 4 weeks before Christmas, drink in all the decor, traditions, music, and lack of presents (yeah, I’m weird, I don’t like presents-they make me very uncomfortable).  I try to get all my Christmas shopping done before Advent so I’m not a big stressball during my favorite time of year.  So I can be where I am and when I am (totally failed at that this year, btw, and am now a big stressball).

Today was the first day of Advent.  It was chaotic.  This weekend was chaotic.  I’m feeling tired and grumpy and there are chores staring me in the face and it feels like my whole environment is yelling at me.  So I’m choosing to sit down and write a blog post, and read a few pages of this book, and tell the dirty high chair tray a few inches from my face to just chill out a minute.  Because running from chore to chore to chore isn’t working.  I’m not getting caught up and I’m not feeling peace.

You know what’s weird? Advent is my favorite time of the year, and it is simultaneously the busiest, most full of movement and commitments and awkward communications and unpleasant things hanging over my head (cough cough Christmas shopping). But despite all that movement and swirling and time moving way too fast, I find a way to love it. I can’t help loving it. Our house feels cozy and homey when the nativity set and the Advent calendar and the Advent wreath and all our other little traditions and decorations come out. Our family feels alive and growing when we listen to Advent music together or the kids fight over who’s going to blow out the candles tonight (got that one figured out, btw-we make a schedule and write it out on our calendar to preclude any disputes). It feels like we are living out our mission a little bit more each year as our family returns a little older, and sometimes a little bigger to this familiar season.

I wonder how I can capture that feeling, and more fundamentally, that reality, during the rest of the year.

Core actions -> things that make a difference.

Surface actions -> things that look like they’re doing something.

Great distinction from Straight Line Leadership.

And to be honest, at least some of the things I’m doing right now are surface-level. Maybe many.

Do we need to make “great” products to see if we can sell them? Isn’t our first e-commerce thing supposed to be a throwaway anyway? It’s okay if it’s a little rough around the edges.

Perfectionistic tendencies die hard. Gotta look good, as if people are spending their time and life thinking about anything I’m doing. They’re not.

I’m drawing a blank.  Life has gotten a little more more in the last couple of days, and I’m struggling to keep up with the new normal, or even just my expectations and fears about the new normal.  That kind of seems like a waste of energy, since I don’t really know what life will be like in the coming weeks and months.  But it’s how I tend to operate-I’m usually either ruminating about the past, or anticipating and worrying about the future.  Not great at just being where and when I am.  

How can I learn to sit still and be?  How can I learn to pull myself back to the present?

Here’s the thing- it never stops.  There’s never a moment when you are done, all the cooking is done, all the laundry is done, all the appointments are done, all the booking babysitters and communicating with people is done, the kids are done, they don’t need you anymore, the bread is done, and you don’t need more bread 2 days from now, the house is clean and it won’t get dirty again, the floor will never be sticky again…oh wait, there is that moment…that’s the moment when everyone is dead.  Life is in movement all the time, and life ceases when the movement ceases.  

So how do I find peace within that movement?  How do I anticipate the future, accept the onslaught of the coming week, without forfeiting my present to fear, anxiety, worry, and grasps for control?

What do you do when your plans get exploded?

Strangely, as I have been learning to choose to be more direct and resourceful (i.e. just go straight at the obstacle instead of wanting it to go away), plans getting totally wrecked hasn’t been bothering me as much.

We got a flat tire tonight on the way to Divine Liturgy, and it’s pushing back our plans to visit the wife’s brother’s family by a week. And we had to rework our plans, and ended up at a tire store on a Saturday evening. We grabbed a few donuts on the way home so the kids wouldn’t feel that they got entirely cheated out of everything they were looking forward to, and we had a nice dinner.

“Good”

I’m remembering Jocko Willink’s “Good”. Every time anything happened, he would just say “good”. As in, total acceptance, must be good somehow.

I thought, at the time I originally heard that, that it was a bit crazy, because some things are not good.

But, au contraire says the Bible: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Somehow, God will bring good out of evil, and work things to his purposes.

And! As co-creators with God, we also get to bring good out of evil. We can find the opportunities in obstacles, and through it give something to the world.

Truly, everything we are given is good.

I got to change a tire. Good. I’m getting safer tires on the car tomorrow, instead of getting a flat on the 2 hour drive. Good. I’m committing to set up some maintenance schedules for my automobiles so I check some key systems to ensure I am prepared¹. Good. We had a nice dinner at home. Good.

Nothing about today was actually bad. It was just unexpected.

But I could have made it bad. I could have complained about missing our trip, not seeing friends at the potluck, all the work we will have to do extra tomorrow, along with needing to find time to go to Mass (instead of this evening), and just generally grumbled about how nothing really works out.

But I didn’t.² It all happened, and it was good.

It’s not that there is no such thing as evil. But even the evil that happens to you can be for your good, if you accept it, and embrace it, and respond to it like it is your responsibility.

“Good”

1. The spare tire was 21 years old. 21. Years. Old. And a bit flat itself. ↩︎
2. There was some swearing at the old tire when I cut my hand on some exposed wires, to be fair. ↩︎

It’s been a long day.

I missed a commitment to make 5 products for my online store. I have more than 5 concepts and ideas and almost done things. But I don’t have 5 actual products in my store.

I’m recommitting to doing that, and breaking it down into actions, instead of projects.

You can’t commit to a project, but you can commit to an action.

Tangential Thought: Procrastination-Driven Accomplishments

I once read somewhere about a guy who everybody thought was extremely accomplished and productive.

He said his secret was he procrastinated a lot. He found something he wanted to do but dreaded doing, then used that to make himself do all sorts of things he dreaded a bit less.

At some point, he found a thing he dreaded more than his current dread, so he procrastinated by doing the thing he previously dreaded.

In short, it’s possible to take your dysfunction, and turn it into fuel.

In that vein, I’ve gotten _so much done_ over the last week.

Total BS

You can “get a lot done” and still be in the exact same place you’re in. There are a lot of accomplishments that don’t bring you further to your goals or change your life in a way that matters to you.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have an impact in some area, but it does mean that you’re not being intentional, and therefore giving up your power over your own life.

And really, do you want to take action from a place of avoidance?

An aspiration I have is to see Fear as an Invitation to Action. Discomfort as Enticing. Obstacles as Opportunity.

I’m already starting to see some massive levers that I can put my finger on in other areas of life. Now, what lever will move myself…

It was a busy, exhausting day, and I had a bit of a meltdown at dinner making time, which is, to be honest, not something that doesn’t happen from time to time.  Parse that sentence.  

However, I pushed myself to write a bit of content for one of my nascent blog ideas, and to pick up the new book husband wants me to read, and at least glance at a page or two…20 pages later, I’m fascinated by this book.  The author is talking about starting businesses and making money and all that stuff, which is not really my preferred genre for reading, but he’s sprinkling it with lots of personal details and challenges and childhood wounds and stuff like that, which veers the book into more of a memoir type thing, which is my preferred way to imbibe information.  

I did not blog yesterday.

I also have not formally committed to blogging every day. It’s more like an informal commitment, or something that I will do, like dishes, every day, but if I’m really tired and the day was a lot and I want to go to bed, I will let it go until tomorrow.

Talking Hangovers

I mentioned this previously, but I’ll describe it again.

I met with a friend and was going over my business plans to get his feedback. Maybe his involvement. It was a good conversation.

Afterwards, after he had basically said it all sounded doable, reasonable, possible…. I walked away slightly less interested.

Does it all really make sense?

Did I figure it out!?

I’ve been trying to understand why “figuring it out” seems to be, for me, often the end of the quest. The knowledge has been attained. Can I leave the rest of it as an exercise for the reader?

Yet we know that if you want to be healthy, you cannot leave the actual doing as an exercise for the reader.

If you want to make pancakes, you must actually make pancakes. (This is not a euphemism, I’m just hungry). It’s not enough to know how to make the pancakes.

And to be honest, I’m very interested in making pancakes, despite the fact that I know how.

So what’s the problem?

Is it the goal, or the process that I’m into?

To be honest, I’m very into the goal. I love the idea of getting to that next level of freedom and possibility.

The process though? The work feels like… work.

I associate a lot of this with burning the midnight oil, pushing myself hard, sacrificing… and getting screwed on the other side.

The numbers of times I have gotten screwed by a combination of my expectations and somebody else’s performance (such as getting a raise or promotion, or having your client keep their word when you extend them a month of credit) has made me extremely hesitant to 100% commit to something.

And that has definitely showed up in a lot of places in my life. Before this coaching, I haven’t made a firm commitment to hardly anything. My attitude has been “If I don’t have a guarantee of mutual performance, I’m not taking a big chance”. I’ve been hedging my bets on just about everything.

I still show up, and I try to take things seriously, but I rarely say to myself or anybody else that they can count on me to show up again and again for some period of time or for some result.

I’m not sure I can even count on other people agreeing to something, since they won’t necessarily do what they say they’ll do.

I’ve been living “one foot out” for years. Hesitant. Wait-and-see.

This is a pretty weak stance.

Can I love the struggle?

Could I love the hard parts? Could I love the challenge? Proving people wrong? Doing something super amazingly large.

I start to feel inspired to take action, and get hungry, and go after things.

But if I land a project at $400,000, who can I celebrate with? That’d be more than I’ve ever made in a year. More than most people I know. What do I do with those relationships? Can I celebrate with them? Will I lose my friendships?

Does success mean loneliness?

Do I still think that playing big means losing community?

This is definitely something to get past, but for the time being I have a commitment to keep for today, and I’m going to at the very least drag myself over the finish line, even if I can’t run, hop, and skip there.

5 product ideas by end of day. Oh damn, I mis-remembered. 5 product designs by end of day. I have some work to do!

It’s been a pretty good day.  Baby 1 year old slept all the way till 5 or 6.  I’ve been driving around all day from appointment to errand to drop off to pick up to errand to pick up, which I find exhausting, but every single thing was a good thing that was worth the work.  I’m getting the house ready for Advent, which is my favorite liturgical season.  And we’re getting burgers for dinner, partially because I got home at 4:30 and realized that cooking would probably make me feel a little crazy, and husband happened to be there to see me realize that, and to suggest pizza, which I did not want.  So burgers it is!

I made time for a shower today, and I made time to post on this blog. Tomorrow looms as another super busy day, but I will make time to write some content for one of my blog projects, and I will make time to read some of this new book that husband ordered about making a million dollars in 12 months, which is totally our (prospective) thing, and which may have elicited a response of “hey, they stole our thing!” from me when he first held said book up for me to see.

And now. I’m going to go to bed at 8:30. Because I’m that tired.

Just when I was feeling super overwhelmed and underwater, it looks like my schedule will be opening up.  

We will be dropping most of 9 year old’s appointments (and it’s a good thing!)

When there’s too much to do, and not enough time in the day, and there’s just no way you can figure out what’s next…. how do you respond?

Wait a minute!

Step back further. Are any of the first things I said even ‘facts’? Are they indisputably real?

We choose, at a very basic level, how we interpret everything. We are creating our own experiences.

Seeing this is not something that comes immediately. Often, we become aware of our choices at closer to surface level. However, by reflecting and meditating on what’s happening interiorly, we can start to see that we are actually capable of choosing all the way down to the level of our perceptions. What is “a lot to do in a day”? What is “too much”? What is “bad”?

Do we choose to be overwhelmed? Or do we choose to find another way of seeing what’s in front of us?

If you’re irritated by this question, I invite you to be curious about your own response.

My mom always used to say, about outcomes that might not have been thrilling but were still good (like making a few dollars selling something she made, even though it took way too long to do) “It beats a zero”.

I decided to write every day, because one of the things I struggle with is perfectionism. Without the “every day”, I won’t ship. A crappy blog post that’s shipped is better than the perfect blog post I never finish.

I suppose this blog post “beats a zero”. And today, that’s enough.

While reading this book Straight Line Leadership, he talks about choosing interior stances.

What stance could I choose with my kids, who are driving me batty today?

All of them are having meltdowns. And there I am telling them “The problem is how you’re thinking about this”. Meanwhile I am getting angry because they’re all screaming and not listening to this great insight I have and immediately applying it.

It’s quite possible to recognize you are choosing something, but not see what you could choose differently.

He says that until you can see the distinction, you can’t use it, and I am seeing this in practice. I could not quite see how I could be different.

Perhaps the stance is simply accepting that this is expected and normal and part of parenting – kids whine a lot, they are hard to raise, and I should stop expecting them to be grown-ups (while still aiming for them to become, at some point, grown-ups). To see an opportunity in their meltdown to love them.

After some time away, doing some errands, I was able to come back and have all the kids help me make pizza, which in our house is a full afternoon of work. There were some complaints and whining, but this time I tried to see this as an opportunity, and the rest of the day was better.

You can always, at any point, choose something else. It can be turned around.

I feel overwhelmed.  I keep getting confused about what this blog is supposed to be about, and husband keeps reminding me that it’s supposed to be about our experience of this crazy year.  So really, I can write whatever the muffins I want, because it’s all relevant.  

What is my role?  Before we started this endeavor, I was pretty clear on what I was supposed to be doing with my days.  I knew that I wasn’t always scoring a perfect 10 on getting all of the things done, but at least I pretty much knew what the things were.  I was the lucky one.  When husband would voice his uncertainty about what he was supposed to be doing with his life, I didn’t really get it.  I had a whole list of things I was doing with my life, that I had to do with my life-caring for the kids, cooking, cleaning, homeschooling 9 year old, picking up carpool from 6 year old’s school, grocery shopping, toddler-policing, nursing, driving to appointments, etc.  More than enough to keep me busy, and to give me a feeling of purpose.

But I’m on board with this new vision.  I signed on to be a partner in this money making operation (that sounds wrong, and reminds me of our 6 year old carefully freehand drawing copies of one dollar bills, convinced that he was making a fortune).

So what exactly is my role…in all this?  Cheerfully watching the kids while husband takes half of Saturday to set up the e commerce website?  I was not that cheerful.  Trying to find something to sell on the internet?  Starting 20 blogs and hoping one of them strikes gold?  Watching youtube videos about SEO to feel like I’m doing something or contributing something?  The guy in the third video said to just get out there and start doing-don’t get bogged down in trying to learn everything first.  Thanks, youtube guy.  

So I’m trying to find my place, and I’m feeling uncertain and inexperienced.  I don’t like that feeling.  I like to do things that I know how to do.  I like to know the procedure, and be comfortable with it.

And meanwhile, it’s November.  I am so busy.  And I am so tired.  The days keep rushing by and I keep feeling like I can never get caught up, can never get my house to a state that gives me peace and energy instead of anxiety and a feeling of a constantly draining battery every time I look at a pile of onesies waiting to be stain-removed, a dirty kitchen sink, or the signs of casual destruction that dot the landscape of our home-a pencil sketch on my bedroom curtain, sock bins overturned yet again, and the like.

So that’s my experience right now.  Confused and overwhelmed.  Tired and kind of grumpy.  

I’m just going to stop there.  It’s my blog, I can do whatever I want.

Also, for some reason husband was talking to the kids earlier about how it is possible to drink your own pee, but only once, and then he decided to do some research to find out if that’s true, and he came across some very committed explorers of knowledge on quora or reddit or something.  Very committed.  Look that up if you are feeling like your day is incomplete.

A good friend texted me to ask about the ethics of one of the ecommerce businesses the wife and I are working on (i.e. is it aimed at a sufficiently good thing, or is there any reason to do it other than making money).

My first reaction to this (which was actually just him asking the question for himself) was anger.

I was angry because I used to wrestle with exactly those questions. What’s the point of this? So I build up this business, now what?

These lines of thinking seem to be predicated on the idea that I will actually succeed at what I set out to do, and that I have some sort of grand control over the universe.

However, after I collected myself, I thought more. Do we have the same standards for how we spend our time? If something sounds fun and interesting, how much do we interrogate it?

There’s a word for people who micro-interrogate all their actions and motivations – scrupulous.

So are we just avoiding getting started, falling prey to more discouragement (which is of course not from God), giving in to “pretty thoughts” (I got this from Metanoia Catholic when they were talking about nice-sounding pious thoughts with terrible life trajectories)?

I have to conclude, in this case, yes. It’s just putting too much weight on just getting started.

As long as you’re not doing anything actually immoral, it’s okay to do something just because it sounds fun, and maybe even better, because you might actually be interested in it for whatever reason.

Maybe you’ll learn something about something, or about yourself.

Remember, it’s the deed—not the doer—that gets you the results that you are after.

Straight Line Leadership, Dusan Djukich

All your feelings, all your mental noise, all your fear, all your hesitations, all your talking, all your enthusiasms, all your excitements, all your desires…

None of those get the results. None of the qualities of the doer get the results.

Only the deed gets the results.

The rest of those things may make it harder or easier, but they don’t actually make it happen.