Aspiring To Adventure

I spent a lot of today grasping for rest. Trying to get the kids distracted all at the same time so I could try to take a nap. And another nap, because one little naplet wasn’t enough. Because I’m beyond tired.

And it made me kind of grumpy and yelly. Because the kids didn’t really cooperate with my designs, and it made me mad. Because I feel like it’s up to me to make sure that I get the rest I need to be able to take care of my family. Because I’m desperate for control over a situation that feels out of control. Because I’m afraid.

It’s always fear that makes my inner control freak come out. This time I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do all the things that I need to do, and care for all the people I need to care for (including myself). That God won’t give me what I need to fulfill my vocation, so I’d better go get it myself.

God will give me sleep if I need sleep. He will give me health if I need health. He will provide everything I need to do the work he has given me, and to care for all he has asked me to steward.

And the corollary: God will give me bronchitis if I need bronchitis. Thank you God for this bronchitis. Thank you for all the gifts I resist. You have a plan, Lord, and your plan is better than my plan.

If I’m honest about how I spend my time, I would actually realize that I could have done maybe 2-4x more in a given day than I actually do.

The problem is not time. It is focus. It is avoidance.

How much time is spend chasing dopamine, avoiding uncomfortable feelings?

Today, a lot.

What am I getting out of “being distracted”?

I’m getting to avoid the situations I find uncomfortable.

What is it costing me?

It is costing me energy, a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of possibility. It is a vote away from the identity I say I want.

It is living out of integrity with my word of who I say I will become.

The solution is simple. Come from a different place. Create focus. Create commitment. Decide to leave this disempowering way of being.

Sometimes that is hard. Your inner self fights hard to protect your ego. There’s definitely some stuff going on down there.

But I don’t actually have to sort it all out to start doing things differently.

Shockingly, my son told me, when I asked him why he didn’t hear what his mother told him to do, “I don’t like to listen. I like doing what I’m doing”

If only we were that transparent with our motivations, perhaps we’d get somewhere.

I’m working on creating a social media presence. It’s tedious and I kind of hate it, and maybe it’s because there’s a real yuck factor to the whole thing. Something about it feels gross. And I wonder if maybe the thing that feels gross is the thing that always feels gross when I want to sell something or in some way promote myself.

“If you were really talented, you wouldn’t even need to. You only have to do marketing because you’re not really that good. You shouldn’t be tricking people into buying whatever you’re selling, it’s not right.”

This is a bunch of crazy up there that just came out of my head. And it’s also quite related to the “you already should be good” lie. As in, you’re in a gap between good and just starting out, and you see that you’re not good, and you don’t want to be there.

I loved that section in Beyond High Performance because it was a great reminder of this truth I have heard before, and come to before. You have to stop thinking you’re already supposed to be good if you want to get better. You have to stop thinking you’re supposed to look good if you want to actually practice from where you are right now.

Cutting through your own nonsense is the hardest part of the game, and it’s where most of us get stopped in our tracks.

We complain over here a lot. About how our house is a mess, and our yard is a mess.

To be fair, our kids are harbingers of chaos. They seem to break everything, and they don’t respect the rules.

Who’s raising those kids, anyway?

….

Let’s not point fingers here…

The point is, all the things we complain about, we have something to do with.

We aren’t effectively training the kids. We aren’t committed to setting the boundaries. They eventually will give up and respect the boundaries if we do it, but in some cases, we don’t.

We want our house and yard to be clean. But we don’t create standards for ourselves that make that happen. Or for our kids for what they need to contribute.

We’re not committed. We’re not doing it.

But we are certainly not committed to making those things happen consistently.

And so we have bursts of productivity followed by long periods of things falling apart again.

Then, when we’re irritated enough, we do it again.

It’s quite disheartening.

But at least… we can be honest with ourselves now, and recognize that we are choosing for our life to be this way. It is not being inflicted on us. We are not the victims here. We are agents of change pointing our change-agent powers in other directions.

Or maybe we’re agents of change who are scattering our focus in too many directions to make real progress on anything?

Either way, it’s up to us if we want it to be different. Our life is the way we want it to be.

I still feel super sick. I have lingering bronchitis, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Last night 9 year old was sick, so she was sleeping in the living room, which meant that I couldn’t sleep in the living room, so I woke up the baby with my incessant coughing, and baby did not want to go back to sleep.

What did I accomplish today? I got to Mass, and semi-successfully wrangled 3 year old (who really really wanted to go with me, and who, when I assented, I imagined peacefully sitting in my lap like a little heater for poor bronchitis riddled me, buy who actually ran around dancing to “King of Glory” like a little crazy person, etc).

I picked up a Walmart order with some stuff we really needed for today, and then went to Home Depot and procured our Christmas tree while 3 year old ran around like a crazy person again.

I did a few chores, made dinner for my family, read the first few chapters of a book that husband asked me to read.

I also spent much of the day lying in bed or couch, feeling drained of energy.

What is the point of this? The point is, I’m trying to think of something to write because I’m trying to write every day. But beyond that, I guess the point is, even on a day where I am sleep deprived and health deprived, I did manage to get a few important things done. Although I sort of wonder if that’s a good thing.

Do we measure the value of our days by how many tasks we accomplished? How should we measure the value of our days?

I got like 4 hours of sleep last night and it was awesome. Because I’ve been getting 1-2 hours of sleep for the past couple of nights, because I can’t stop coughing, because I have the bronchitisiest bronchitis, that’s a lot of becauses, anyway, my point is, I feel a little better. But I have to focus my energies on making Christmas for my kids, so for the next 9 ish days, I think kicking butt at business and whatnot will have to percolate in the back of my mind. And it will. I’m a percolatey kind of person. Happy Advent! Next year I’m doing my Christmas shopping in the summer.

Everyone has gotten sick over here over the last few weeks. But we’re still chugging along. Much less self-pity and making it into a thing this time.

But we’re a bit too much on the busy side.

I have to shop for presents for my kids. Also I have bronchitis.

Are you playing to win, or just playing around?

I realized I am not really playing to win with either of my businesses. I’m still going in circles doing the least important things (pretending they’re necessary precursors).

There are so many times we’re just doing things to make it look like we’re committed.

If we were really committed, we’d be going straight for it.

If you’re not committed, you’d be better off enjoying yourself doing a lot of nothing than wasting energy on a goal you’re not serious about.

Resolution + Commitment: I am going to play to win.

I took the kids to Mass at the parish church last Friday, and they begged me to get a tag off of the giving tree at the front of the church. I reluctantly agreed- reluctant, not because I’m miserly with money, but because I’m miserly with my time, and I know that I tend to overrrrrr optimize and fall into the deep end when shopping for gifts. So here I am tonight, trying to pick out a pink backpack for an eight year old.

Seems simple enough, right? But the same thing happened to me that happens every time I go into a shopping endeavor with an idea in my mind of what I want/need. The dang thing doesn’t exist.

Ok, yes, there are pink backpacks. But I don’t want to get a crappy pink backpack for this kid. I want to get a durable, attractive, fun backpack for her. Something that she will not only be excited to unwrap (shoot, do I need to buy wrapping paper?) but will last a few years for her.

So there are cute pink backpacks that are made of cheese. There are quality/durable pink backpacks that are ok in the looks department, but are for ages 13 and up (I’m pretty sure my back and posture got messed up from carting around a big backpack full of heavy textbooks as a kid-don’t want to give this kid the gift of back problems from a too big backpack). And there are quality/durable backpacks for kids that come in pretty much every color except pink! Woe.

I know this sounds like a complainy-pants post, but I think it’s actually a great opportunity. Almost every time I venture into the internet with a shopping plan, the thing that exists in my mind (and it’s usually a shockingly simple thing or combination of components) does not exist for the buying. Or occasionally it exists, but it’s $200. But more often, it’s not out there. There have got to be other people who are willing, nay eager to throw their money in the direction of a twin size pink cotton quilt with cats on it (not ugly cats!) for their 3 year old, or a well made, pretty, pink backback for an anonymous 8 year old, or etc.

So really, I should just start keeping a list of all the things I want to buy, but don’t exist, make them, and bask in the satisfaction of making all the monies while providing people just like me with the things they want to buy. Because we can’t all be seamstresses. Which is the other option, and maybe I’ll also get working on training 9 year old to do that, so we can come at this thing from 2 angles.

Happy feast of St. Lucy! Which I forgot, because I was a floor potato for the last 2 days, and potatoes are bad at remembering things. It’s the light in the darkness.

To me, the idea of “choosing your identity” always felt new-agey and inauthentic

How can you decide who you are? You were given to yourself as a gift by God. You are who you are.

When my coach kept asking me “Who are you committed to be?” and similar questions, I wasn’t really sure how to answer.

And it felt a bit like presumption to even assume I could choose who I am.

I reflected on this a lot, and I think there is an authentically sane and also Catholic way of understanding this question.

What is a “who”?

A who is a person. Persons are defined almost entirely in reference to relationships.

People define themselves in relationship to others (father, son, husband, friend), their work (firefighter, astronaut, Elon Musk), or sometimes even their moods and beliefs. “I’m a coward”. “I’m a fighter”.

Our definitions of ourselves are a statement about the relationships we have.

What you can choose

What can you choose in your relationships?

Your half. You decide who you will be in relation to the other person.

That is your limit.

What you can’t choose

You can’t choose the other side.

In some cases, the other side is other people. Will someone else be subjugated by you? Or accept your subjugation to them? Or accept a partnership, or romantic relationship? Not up to you.

In other cases, the thing you have is relationship to reality.

You can identify as a rock, but you are not going to be a rock.

You yourself have something fixed about you. Whatever that is, it’s good to decide to relate to that fixed part in a sane way.

What is the fixed part of a person?

I don’t know.

That’s the point.

You get to choose a lot about who you are going to be. Almost everything.

People always talk about basketball players and how they won’t dunk or whatever when this comes up.

Okay, maybe you won’t. But you really for sure won’t if you’re committed to being right about it.

How this is actually helpful spiritually

If we can choose our identity, we can choose to embrace parts of it (such as our baptism, which as its own reality) or reject them.

What we believe affects our actions and interpretations.

If you believe “I’m a crappy person who deserves to be unhappy”, you will likely stay in situations that help with that, and reinforce that.

If you believe “I give everything for everyone else and get nothing back” you will likely try to reinforce that belief with your actions and your interpretations.

If your beliefs are at a core level, they can affect even bigger areas of your life.

Which means if you are struggling to stop doing something bad it can be helpful to ask about who you believe you are. Your beliefs about who you are may actually be keeping you trapped in that bad activity.

“I’m an addict” is a very different place to come from than “I used to be an addict, but now I love being healthy more”.

Working on shifting your identity can be a powerful catalyst for change.

What’s dangerous about this

If you’re not grounded in something true, you may get confused and go for a Nietzschean ubermensch take-over-the-world philosophy and really do terrible things.

You must be grounded in what’s good to make good decisions.

Or at least be open for feedback from reality.

But a person with terrible values could very well use this kind of technique to unlock a lot of effective action to do terrible things.

The Other Half, Again, as a Safety

The other half of our identity is how other people choose to see us.

Which means that no matter what identity you choose for yourself, it will have to be negotiated against reality and other people.

So just pay attention to the effects you’re having. Find people you trust, and tell them what you’re up to. Get some allies and advocates who will check you when you’re bordering on world domination.

Or get a coach I guess.

Today was kind of rough. I tried to keep the baby on fever medicine, because yesterday his fever got kind of scary-high. Scary to me, at least, I feel like crap with a 99F fever, but husband and the boys in our family regularly get like 102, or 103F fevers and it’s not hospital-worthy or anything.

So instead of sleeping all day, he fussed all day, and wanted a lot more from me than just lying next to him like a floor potato. He also wanted to nurse all day, which felt like a lot, given that I was struggling to peel myself off the floor to feed and medicate myself and him.

But it’s fine. This happens from time to time, and it feels like everything is falling apart, because it kind of is, but it’s not so hard to put it back together once I’m not a floor puddle. Onward, to a non-floor puddle existence!

“What’s the place you’re coming from?”

“How are you existing?”

“What’s your inner stance?”

I had thought that I was understanding these questions and the distinctions they’re pointing to, but now that I’m doing stuff, I’m realizing… I don’t think I am.

I led a team exercise today, in which my manager did not participate at all.

I had a great bit of feedback from another colleague after. He pointed out that I need to understand other people’s motivations better. It hurt to have someone tell me this, because this is something that I historically was very good at doing. In the past.

But not now. Because right now, I am coming from a place of “I need to get this result”.

And so I’m rather myopic in how I’m operating. I have a filter on, and the filter is maybe not the filter that would even best serve getting that result.

“Who are you committed to being?”

What is a “who”? How do you define a who?

Every identity is a role. It is relational. It is a meaningless question to ask “Who are you committed to being?” without asking what your relationships are.

Maybe that is the key to answer the question. Who do I want to be to the people I interact with? What do I want my role in their life to be?

So what do I want my role to be? How do I want to do that role? What results do I want to have in that role?

And of course, we’re multifaceted creatures with many relationships, and have to switch back and forth.

Is that what an inner stance is? A way of being in a particular relationship? In a particular situation? How you relate to yourself?

Why am I doing this again?

There is something I want to learn about myself. There are unexplored possibilities, and I want to explore them. I want to see what I can do, and get really curious about that.

Why do I want to pay off my mortgage?

Because getting rid of the need to “pay the bills” means we can ask more interesting questions. We can maybe shoot for something that could fail spectacularly, without getting sidetracked by the quest to pay the bills…

Is that the sidequest? Or is maybe “the bills” and all the things we do in relation with our family kind of the point? The who we are in those key relationships?

Who am I committed to being?

Today, I was pretty uncommitted to being anything good. I was impatient with everyone, raising my voice a lot when the kids wouldn’t get going. I was in a pretty bad place.

I’m sick. The kids are sick. The wife is sick. I’m tired.

The inner soundtrack is on, playing the greatest hits of “Why try”, “This is what happens when you try to do something”, “Self-improvement always leads you to this place”, and “Just quit”.

But quitting is where I was. I’ve been “quitted” for years, more or less avoiding any real attempts at serious growth. Even my high performance was driven by the thought that the standards for the workplace were way higher than they actually were. That people wouldn’t value anything less than I could do.

When I realized people actually would tolerate a huge underperformance compared to potential, and that high performance wasn’t that highly rewarded, my circuits flipped and I got really lazy. I did not try very hard. I couldn’t get myself interested.

And here I am, back to entrepreneurship, because I don’t want to play a game that ultimately has no big payoff.

But again – who am I committed to being?

At work, I want to show up in a powerful way for my team, and ask them to show up too.

At home, the same.

But how do I do that without overstepping and trying to “fix” people. How do I offer others a gift rather than burden them with expectations? Sometimes expectations are a gift. How do I do that?

Who do I want to create? What do I want to create in my relationships? Who is the person I want for those other people in my life?

I say “I don’t know” because I am already feeling the pain of trying to be that person. I’m feeling the pain of striving and missing the mark. And of doing it in front of others.

I’m feeling the pain of being burnt out today and not wanting to push on.

Do I want to commit to more things? Do I want to keep going?

Yes. Somehow, I do. Somehow, this is the path.

The path goes through all the shit.

The person I want for others is the person who finds a way to integrate his almost irritating desire to help others become more of themselves with a love and acceptance and real belief that they’re already awesome. To look at someone and see the good and call it out. I need to find that.

I want to commit to becoming a great leader, because leaders are the ones who tell better stories, who help others tell better stories, who help people get out of their own ways.

Where am I coming from now? I’m coming from a place of “I want from you”. Where am I committed to coming from from now on? “I want for you”¹

1. Also see “Beyond High Performance” (a book) and some other articles by Novus Global and Metaperformance Institute. That’s something I’m reading right now, and this particular distinction is really resonating as something I am not practicing well at the moment. ↩︎

I got some great feedback from my semi-checked-out about-to-leave colleague, who does not appreciate me challenging his cynicism directly.

Basically, stop being pushy with the advice. I think this is likely good advice, and I am taking it at face value, even though I find this particular coworker to be someone in tons of need of advice at the moment.

But – if somebody doesn’t want it, maybe the right thing is to let them go on their merry way.

I tried to explain to my wife that my problem is I want to get everybody to get to this next level of awareness I found, and that’s dumb. She sort of pointed out that maybe if I need everybody to get to that next level, I don’t have it. And while I tried to re-iterate what I meant, the feedback got more and more… direct. And at some point, it’s like “yes, I am saying I’m an idiot, and I didn’t need it to be quite so explicit”.

My coaching call didn’t quite hit the mark for me. I feel still confused and tired. I am not re-energized.

Basically, the whole day was a bit off.

I did rally and get my commitments done, and then I did some dishes (love you babe) because sick kid + sick wife means things are a bit behind. And now I am blogging because I didn’t yesterday and I don’t want to miss two in a row.

How do I want to process this s***pile of a day?

It was good. I found out I am an arrogant jerk, and that I need to calm down. I can work with that. Coaching isn’t going to solve my problems. I am. (And actually, more accurately, I am through the power of Christ, with whom all things are possible, and without whom I am a dunce).

All good lessons. All material for growth.

I kept my 2 commitments after all. I did stay up late. And now I kept my commitment to writing today.

I spent most of today lying on the floor with the 1 year old while the 3 year old played with mud, broke into the prunes, and (we discovered much later) relocated items from the real refrigerator to the play kitchen refrigerator, which does not, in fact, keep things cold. So we had to throw out a couple things.

The baby was sick with a high fever and some pretty extreme tireds. I was sick with a not so high fever and some moderate tireds, and after weeks and weeks of not getting enough sleep, my body was like, I give up.

But here I am, fever-blogging, because that’s what winners do. I think I’m going to go to bed and shiver now.

I have been trying to write a blog post for the last half an hour as the kids fight and lose their mindcakes over countless nothings.  Time to call this (badly) done and move on to something that requires just a bit less brain function.

Today, at the Coffee Bean, I ordered something. There was a price. It said $3.

The register said $3.75. I pointed this out. Instead of offering it to me at the listed price, they asked if I still wanted it.

I did, but what I wanted is for them to honor their advertising. Or take responsibility. So I said “No”. I asked again about this sign, and if I was missing something?

The cashier asked someone else “Do you know if our prices are accurate?” and they replied “No idea! I don’t know. They change sometimes”. I pointed to the sign, but they seemed unable to comprehend that they ought to honor their prices or change their signs. They took absolutely no ownership.

I recently hired a contractor. He gave me some verbal estimates for some changes. It ended up being more. But he didn’t tell me he was billing it as time and materials, so he charged me for the more.

Why am I complaining about this?

Well, when you have an expectation, and someone violates it, it often causes a breach of trust. Because people believe their expectations are right. (I’m a people, and so I fall into this category)

Making it Explicit

If you do not plan on complying to someone’s expectations who you are about to go into some transaction with, or some relationship, you should make it known.

If you even think that expectations may not be 100% clear, you should make sure they’re really really clear. Over-communicate and over-confirm.

A sign like “Prices vary, ask Cashier” would have been appropriate. Then I would know what kind of place I was in, and if I chose to be there, I wouldn’t be disappointed and annoyed.

Or the contractor could have put it in writing as “Time and Materials Estimate; Costs May Vary” at which point I could have asked for a set price so I could decide yes or no.

Vaguery

When we do not make things clear, explicit, and written down, we put our relationships with others in business on very shaky ground. It all depends on our memories and understandings, which are often different even when we use the same words.

So why do we stay vague?

Vague seems safe. It’s avoiding confrontation, where bad things can happen. And then later, you can say “Well I did say X”, as though that’s enough.

You’re trying to offload the risks and keep all the rewards. You’re trying to make your customer responsible for your actions.

Costs of Vaguery

When customers notice, they usually quietly withdraw. They may pay the invoice. They might not dispute it. But they’re not going to become super-fans. They’re not going to be Brand Ambassadors.

If you want Brand Ambassadors, people who rave about you, you go above and beyond. You make things clear.

Build an Unpaid Salesforce

Back in the day, I used to unprompted tell people about my bank.

That’s right. I told people about my bank. And that they should use it, because it was amazing.

I used to have ING Direct (before they were purchased and slowly metabolized by Capital One into mediocrity).

Why would I do that? Because they did everything right! I called the number and a person answered before 2 rings. They were helpful, and they solved my problems, and they were human about it.

I literally brought up my bank at parties. Not even joking. I was so excited they existed, and I told everyone about them.

How to build Brand Ambassadors

“Thank you for telling us the sign was wrong. Here’s a free croissant to say thanks. We’re fixing that now.” – This would be my default coffee shop.

“You’re right, I wasn’t clear. How much did you want to pay? I’ll eat the difference.” – I would probably pay 90% or 100% and the relationship would be fixed, and I would recommend him (and tell this story about how he took complete ownership of the situation).

Fixing your mistakes is a huge opportunity to build super loyal over-the-top Brand Ambassadors.

Take those opportunities, and capitalize on them. Lose a little money. Be generous.

Yes, I’m an unreasonable customer and have high expectations. But I’m also extremely outspoken about the things I love.

As I was describing how Facebook hates me to a friend, I tried to log into my instagram account to get started on an ad campaign, only to have Meta hate on me some more, trying to do the exact same thing again.

Somehow I convinced the platform I’m a bot or something, because it won’t let me have an account to also access my store page from. (What if I am a bot? How do I know I’m not a bot? What if it’s not Meta that’s wrong… maybe I should do some quick turnarounds). And then my friend used an old FB account to try to help me out by creating my store page, and his account immediately got flagged.

And there is no appeal process or human contact of any kind.

Look, if you want to make a VR/AR company because you want a different reality, could it at least be a better reality?

Still a great day

I probably should end on a more positive note.

Today’s the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. It is a beautiful feast day. We are blessed to be Catholic.

And I also learned that I shouldn’t spend money on Meta’s websites. Perhaps Elon will take my dollars.

So I’m a business expert, because I’ve read almost 2 books on the subject.  And all (both) of the books that I have read say the same thing, more or less: find your customer, not your product. The first book presupposed a product and was elucidating the process of marketing it, but really that process is one of narrowing your focus down to a particular imaginary person and selling to him, and that narrowing down changes the character of your product to fit the imaginary needs of the imaginary person (yoga studio becomes yoga studio for middle aged women who like to take their cats to yoga, etc).  And the imaginary person ends up representing a whole segment of the population, because we are not as unique as we think we are, and there are a lot of people in the world.

So, find your customer, not your product.  Imagine your customer, find him, get to know him, find out what he wants, needs, and is eager to spend money on, and then make that.  Make a whole bunch of different products that are connected not by what they are but who they serve.  

The easiest way to find this customer is to look inward.  Who are you?  What is important to you?  What are the pain points in your life (that’s business jargon, and it’s how you know I’m a business expert.  I learned it from one of the almost 2 business books that I read)? 

But when I look at myself, I find that I’m kind of a lot of people.  I have a lot of customer identities, and I’m not sure which one I should try to create for.  I think it’s one of those questions that is really interesting to ponder but not actually that helpful to spend much time on.  It probably doesn’t really matter, and if being successful at businessing is our new thing, then picking one just leaves other opportunities open for future endeavors.

But I did think of one that kind of has a leg up on the others (is that really the saying?  What is that about?).  So maybe I’ll go with that one for now.

I can’t do this because it will take too long, and there are so many items on my list. Let’s see if there’s an easier task on there. Oh no, that one looks like it will take focus, and I don’t have focus right now because there are too many items on my list. Oh – that one means I have to go sleuthing for answers in 3 different places, and I can’t spend the time on that because there are too many items on my list. Maybe this one? This means I have to go to the house and the kids will mob me and then I will get distracted, so I better put that off til later when there’s more time.

This was, without verbalizing it, how my morning started off.

I had a massive list, and was overwhelmed by looking at it.

I had no focus. And I had no focus because I let the size of my list turn into discomfort turn into into internal chaos.

Is there really “no time”? Is there really not enough time?

And even if there really is not enough time to get your whole list done, does approaching the day like that help?

Of course not.

So I decided I had plenty of time, and just started at the top of the list, and what do you know, I got through most of it.

There really was more than I could do today¹, but instead of avoiding the whole list (because I couldn’t do the whole list, so it felt like failure just looking at it), I simply did one task at a time, recognizing that I do in fact have time.

And by deciding I had time, I used the time, and now I don’t have the same list for tomorrow.

There is enough time. There is enough time. There is enough time.

It helps to remember that God doesn’t ask you to break the laws of physics. Be at peace.

1. Maybe I can call bullshit on myself here, since I did spend at least an hour on things that weren’t on the list, and wasted some time here and there. I did not use my whole day that well. Even still, I got a lot done. ↩︎